Column fodder from readers
Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.
Well, the stack of “possible column stuff” surrounding and stacking up around my computer/desk or in my email inbox is close to reaching crisis proportions. So I’m gonna wade through some of it today to see what I can find that might work. I know not all of it is “aggie oriented,” but it still might be funny enuf to include.
From D.D in Missouri comes this message: “A late happy birthday to you. You’ve got me by almost three months. Sure come around fast don’t they? In a recent column you were talking about country music. Can’t really say I like it, but is still better than the rap music nowadays. Just give me the good old time rock and roll. Love my satellite in my truck.
You were saying in another column how seeing a coyote face to face made the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. I hear you loud and clear there. I remember one time when I was 17. I was plowing for my dad late at night. I saw a coyote in the field, yanked the plow out of the ground, pulled the tractor around until I had that coyote directly blinded in the lights. I got off the tractor armed with a big wrench out of the tool box — was going to throw that wrench at him — but the coyote must have sensed me because it turned towards me and growled with its ears laid back and teeth bared. Let me tell you, it didn’t take long for me to get back on that tractor. Scared the heck out of me and I ain’t scared of nothin’.”
DD also sent me an emailed picture of a real coyote that was pretty much strained through the grill of a NASCAR car going 190 miles per hour on a test track in the desert. Yuck!
And, from “David” in “Dogtown, USA,” comes a suggestion on how the U.S. might get materials from China to build the contentious Border Wall on our southern border. Dogtown sez, “As we consider building a 1,500-mile wall from San Diego to Brownsville, the thought arises that it might be expensive. On the other hand, China has a ‘Great Wall’ about 1,300 miles long that it no longer uses to thwart the Mongol Hordes. My friends shop on e-Bay and report they get many bargains that come from China and the items are all shipped and delivered free. Maybe we could buy China’s unused border wall brick by brick to build 1,300 miles of our border wall. Since we’d still be 200 miles short, we could save all the used shipping containers and stack them two or three high like Lego blocks to complete the last 200 miles of our much-needed border wall.”
Dogtown, that sounds as logical as any suggestion coming out of Washington, D.C., these days.
And, from reliable ol’ Jay Esse in Lakewood, Colo. Jay sez an old Kansas farmer was celebrating his 100th birthday. During the public party at the community center, the editor of the local small-town newspaper conducted an interview with the new centenarian.
During the interview the reporter observes, “I’ll bet you’ve seen a lot of changes during your 100 years, haven’t you?”
The farmer retorted with a toothless grin and a determined glint in his eye, “I sure have, young fella. And I want to go on record that I’ve been against every blamed one of them.”
Also from Jay: Three elderly farm widows were living in an assisted living facility in the county seat. They all liked baseball, so they got on the community bus and went to a nearby college baseball game. To celebrate, they smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game.
As the game progressed, the bottle of Jack diminished, and the three old gals’ level of enthusiastic game watching rose higher and higher. Soon, they sadly realized that the bottle wuz almost gone, but the game still had innings to go.
Now, a puzzle. Given the above information, what inning is the game in and how many players are on base?
The answer: It’s the bottom on the fifth and the bags are loaded.
Newsflash: A farmer vacationing in Boston was arrested after swiping two live lobsters and making off with them stuffed down his pants. Police called it shoplifting. Doctors called it a do-it-yourself vasectomy.
Overheard in the coffee shop: “A hundred years ago everyone had a horse and only the wealthy had expensive cars. Today, everyone has a car or truck and only the very rich own expensive horses.”
Contributed words of wisdom for the week:
Camping is where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.
My wild oats have turned into bran flakes.
Behind every angry woman stands a clueless man.
I went to see my investment broker about investing for my retirement. He said I couldn’t do much with only $14. He suggested cheap whiskey.
Have a good ‘un. ❖