Country mouse vs. city mouse | TheFencePost.com

Country mouse vs. city mouse

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Well, I’ve gotten myself into a rut recently by commenting upon humorous political happenings that fall into my proverbial lap. The most recent “media humor” getting my attention was supposed-humorist/comedian/newsperson Bill Maher.

In one of his recent HBO TV shows, Mr. Maher tries to make a point that Amazon should be building its new second headquarters somewhere in the fly-over nation and not in New York City where it isn’t wanted or needed.

But his attempt, while perhaps worthy of some brownie points, fell short on logic and actually came off as a negative rant about the shortcomings of the fly-over nation and we deplorables who inhabit it.

Here’s some pithy selections from the script of Maher’s show:

“We have a problem in America called spacial-geographic inequality, which means that the most affluent and educated people are clustered in just a few cities. Last election, Hillary Clinton said, ‘I won the places that represent two-thirds of America’s gross domestic product … I won the places that are optimistic, diverse, dynamic, moving forward.’”

“Maybe that has something to do with why Trump voters are obsessed with ‘owning the libs.’ Because the libs own everything else. The blue parts of America are having a big prosperity party while people in that big sea of red feel like their invitation got lost in the mail. And they still use the mail.

“They turn on the TV and all the shows take place in a few hip cities. There’s no ‘Real Housewives of Toledo’ or ‘CSI: Lubbock.’ There are no red carpets in Wyoming and no one ever asks you, ‘Who are you wearing?’ Because the answer is always ‘Target.’

“There are two Americas, and it seems like one is where all the cool jobs are, where people drive Teslas and eat artisanal ice cream. We have orchestras, theater districts, world-class shopping. We have chef Wolfgang Puck, they have Chef Boyardee. Our roofs have solar panels, theirs have last year’s Christmas lights. We’ve got legal bud, they’ve got Budweiser. We have anal bleaching, they have Congressman Steve King. The flyover states have become the passed over states. That’s why red state voters are so pi**ed off.

“They don’t hate us. They want to be us. They want to go to the party. It’s like we’re the British royal family and they’re Meghan Markle’s dad.

“How do I know this? Because 238 cities and regions submitted proposals to Amazon for the company to locate in their area. All desperate for jobs that don’t involve guarding prisoners or murdering chickens.

“I know this sounds like a pipe dream, and it is true I was smoking a pipe when I dreamed it. But if liberals are serious about winning elections, they have to start recolonizing the parts of the country they’ve abandoned. Mississippi is the poorest state in the country. Amazon could buy the whole state and rename it Amazippi.

“If we keep leaving the red states behind, they’re going to keep getting angrier and crazier. Because if you’re not invited to the party, the next best thing is to throw a **** (pollute) in the punchbowl.”

Then Maher closes by stating that if Amazon would build a headquarters in the fly-over nation — “Before you know it there’s legal weed and decent healthcare and the schools are teaching science again.”

•••

My take on his show? Maher’s show wasn’t funny because of its content. But he was funny thinking that folks in the fly-over nation are less educated and envious of the narrow-minded elites who live closeted, congested, elbow-to-elbow on both polluted coasts and within big city limit signs.

It’s funny that Maher gives no credit for the food, energy, and manufactured goods produced in the fly-over nation. Why, I’ll bet he still eats “murdered” chicken. He gave us yokels no credit for being smart, politically astute, hardworking, caring and patriotic.

I’ve lived 76 years in the fly-over nation and I could count on one hand the adults I’ve known who wanted to harpoon their rustic lives for the bright lights of the elite nation. We’re pretty contented to enjoy unpolluted sunrises and sunsets, enjoy the vistas we pass on the open roads, watch the stars in the clear dark quiet skies, watch Mother Nature at her best and most beautiful, and enjoy the contentment of our close-knit communities.

Speaking for myself, I don’t crave anything Wolfgang Puck offers up for astronomical sums. I’m pretty content with medium-rare beef steaks, southern fried chicken, fried fish and cornbred, fresh garden veggies, an All-American pork chop, red-eye gravy and biscuits. I don’t need legal weed and I certainly don’t need anal bleaching. But, I can understand why Bill Maher and his ilk do.

•••

And, back to another gem of wisdom from the gift that keeps on giving — “Triple-Initial” New York congresswoman. This week she actually said that life is going to be so bad because of global warming that it might be best of humans quit having children. At first I was dumbfounded at her statement. But then I realized, she has the perfect solution. With zero birth rate, the human experiment on earth will be over within a century and global warming will be a moot point.

This cartoon of “Triple Initial” came to my email box this week. “Triple Initial” is carrying a protest poster that reads: “Quit killing ducks just to make duck tape!”

•••

The barn at a couple’s farm burned down, so the wife called the insurance company. She told the agent that their barn was insured for $50,000 and she wanted their money right away.

The agent told her it didn’t work that way, because the insurance adjuster would determine the value of the old barn, then provide them with a new one of comparable worth.

After a short pause, she replied, “Well, if that’s the way it works, I would like to cancel the policy on my husband!”

•••

Words of wisdom for the week. “I can’t walk on water, but I can stagger on beer.” Have a good ‘un. ❖



Opinion




See more