by Baxter Black, DVM
“What happened to your pickup seat? Is that buffalo track?”
Well, I guess you had to be there. We had a cow attack.
It all began when me and Roy went out to check the cows.
We’d finished lunch and watched our ‘soap’ and forced ourselves to rouse.
We’s pokin’ through the heavy bunch for calves to tag and check.
I spotted one but his ol’ mom was bowin’ up her neck.
She pawed the ground and swung her head a’slingin’ froth and spit
Then bellered like a wounded bull. ‘Say, Roy,’ I says, ‘let’s quit!’
But Roy was bent on taggin’ him and thought to make a grab.
‘Just drive up there beside the calf, I’ll pull him in the cab.’
Oh, great. Another stroke of genius, of cowboy derring do.
Shur nuf when Roy nabbed the calf, his mama came in too.
And I do mean climbed up in there! Got a foot behind the seat
Punched a horn right through the windshield and she wasn’t very neat.
She was blowin’ stuff out both ends till the cab was slick and green
It was on the floor and on the roof and on the calf vaccine.
If you’ve been inside a dryer at the local laundromat
With a bear and fifty horseshoes then you know just where I’s at.
At one point she was sittin’ up, just goin’ for a ride
But then she tore the gun rack down. The calf went out my side.
I was fightin’ with my door lock which she’d smashed a’passin’ by
When she peeked up through the steering wheel and looked me in the eye.
We escaped like paratroopers out the window, landed clear.
But the cow just kept on drivin’ cause the truck was still in gear.
She topped a hump and disappeared. The blinker light came on
But if she turned I never saw, by then the truck was gone.
I looked at Roy, ‘My truck is wrecked. My coveralls are soaked.
I’ll probably never hear again. I think my elbow’s broke.
And look at you. Yer pitiful. All crumpled up and stiff
Like you been eat by wild dogs and pooped over a cliff.’
‘But think about it,’ Roy said. ‘Since Granpa was alive,
I b’lieve that that’s the firstest time I’ve seen a cattle drive. ❖