Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 10-29-12 | TheFencePost.com

Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 10-29-12

Jeff Foxworthy has been offering up hilarious "You Might Be A Redneck If …" aphorisms, maxims, adages, clichés, dictums, truisms and wry-eyed mottos for a bunch of years. He's still a young man. Will his Redneck pronouncements devolve into "old coot" sayings? Don't see why not. The fun of making fun doesn't quit just because time has marched on and one has acquired wrinkles, sagging flesh and the inability to remember what you stood up to go do …

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you're surprised you're still on top of the grass.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … your toenails have gone ugly and disgusting.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you meet old friends and can't remember their names.

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■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … your old friends can't remember yours.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … conversation revolves around surgeries, bladder problems, blood pressure and the price of drugs.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you own too many horses and you can't get on any of 'em without a ladder.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you look in the mirror and cringe.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … your waistline resembles a medicine ball.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … "Achy Breaky Heart" has nothing to do with a song.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you don't walk anymore — you shuffle.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you work diligently on those powerful muscles that allow to you sit for long periods of time.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … cataracts have nothing to do with scenic waterfalls.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you drool on your pillow.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you know which grocery aisle stocks Depends.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you know you just don't look good naked anymore.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you can play Connect the Dots on your liver spots.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … your hairbrush sprouts more hair than does your noggin.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … your neck looks like a drapery swag.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … your innards make noises that sound like your coffee maker.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you thought that when you got old you'd have more tolerance, patience and kindness, but it turns out you just don't give a dang.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger if … you have more fun in your dotage than is probably legal.

■ You Might be an Old Coot, Crone or Codger (or Jeff Foxworthy) if … you think that:

Life's Journey Is Not To Arrive At The Grave Safely

In A Well Preserved Body — But — Rather —

To Skid In Sideways, Totally Worn Out, Shouting …

Holy Horseapples! What A Ride! ❖