It’s so wet … | TheFencePost.com

It’s so wet …

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Folks, a year ago at this time I wuz scouring for comments about how long the drought wuz and how dry it wuz. Well, this year, naturally, I’m scouring for comments about how wet it is and how nasty and deep the mud is.

That got me to thinking about all the old sayings and colloquialisms about rain, mud and wet weather. Here are some of the more common old sayings that I can recall and even use myself sometimes. Some of ‘em I just made up.

• It’s raining so hard its a real toad strangler.

• It’s a gully washer.

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• It’s raining like a cow p***ing on a flat rock.

• It’s a real frogwash.

• It’s a regular quagmire.

• It’s so muddy it’ll mire a snipe down.

• It’s so wet the fishing worms are climbing trees.

• It’s raining so hard a nose-in-the-air snob would drown.

• My manual rain gauge is tired and my electronic one drowned out.

• I’m gonna turn my cow lot into a mud wrestling arena.

• I’m buying stilts for my milk cows.

• It’s raining like pouring water out of a boot.

• It’s been so wet the ducks and geese are migrating to the desert.

•••

Offbeat news items that make their way to me often just strike my funny bone. “Double-Em,” a thoughtful Colorado reader, sent me an article from a British publication. The gist of the story was that a familiar supermarket in Great Britain, named Tesco, got caught mixing a little horse meat in their home-cooked burgers. The funny part is that within hours of the news that Tesco’s all beef hamburgers’ contained 30 percent horse meat, the salty Brits started putting quips about the horse meat situation all over the Internet. Here are the funny quips listed.

• “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse. I guess Tesco listened!”

• “Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?”

• “Not entirely sure how Tesco is going to get over this hurdle.”

• “Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.”

• “A woman has been taken to hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is listed as stable.”

• “Tesco is now testing all its vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.”

• “I checked the quality of the Tesco burgers in my freezer ‘and they’re off!’”

• “Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.”

• “I said to the missus, ‘These Tesco burgers give me the trots.’”

• ”To beef or not to beef, that is the question.?”

• “A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, ‘Why the long face?’ Cow says, ‘Illegal ingredients coming over here stealing our jobs!’”

• “I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d’oeuvres.”

• “These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead horse.”

• “Last night the wife made meatloaf. So I had dinner with two nags.”

• “Since they’re selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a ‘Trojan Horse?’”

• “Instead of choosing rare, medium or well done, it’s now Win, Place or Show”

• “At first, I thought, “Oh great, I’ve been saddled with another e-mail to forward, but something spurred me on.”

And, after a little thought, I’ll add these horse meat quips of my own.

• “Those Tesco horse-burgers are so tasty I just gallop them down.”

• “I serve Tesco burgers as the mane meal.”

• “I can’t decide ‘wither’ to buy Tesco burgers or chicken.”

• “I’ll just hoof it down to Tesco for a quick burger this evening.”

• “Tesco burgers taste grey-t.”

• “Tesco harnessed eye-un-appeal and disinformation in its burger advertising.”

• “The Tesco burger scandal is ‘oh, sorrel.’”

• “Tesco is jockeying for market position with its burgers.”

• “The Tesco horse meat scandal is far from dun.”

• “The Tesco horse meat burger situation has not stalled. It’s far from stable.”

• “It’s hard to ‘track’ where the Tesco burger scandal is going.”

• “A Tesco burger tastes just like all-beef — mare or less.”

And finally, “Tesco can’t muzzle the bad publicity from its horse meat burgers.”

•••

Willie Jay, Mt. Vernon, Mo., contributed these words of wisdom for the week.

• If you have a bad winter cough, take a strong laxative. You’ll be afraid to cough.

• If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Have a good ‘un. ❖



Milo Yield



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