New paint job | TheFencePost.com

New paint job

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

This has been an unusual week at Damphewmore Acres. We decided to get our entire home painted anew after the hailstorm did quite a bit of damage to the north side of our home a couple of months ago. So, we hired our grandson, Chancy Yield, and his new wife, Selda M., because they had a long weekend free and could always use some extra cash.

When they arrived to go to work on Friday afternoon, about 3 p.m., we had the paint bought, a new spray painter bought, and the necessary accumulation of power washers, sanders, ladders, drop-cloths, tape and brushes bought, begged and borrowed.

Those young kinfolks and Nevah worked their tails off and the entire home was re-painted by mid-afternoon on Sunday. When it wuz all over, our home was a bright new gray color with new white shutters and new gray gutters and downspouts. It looks spiffy.

Plus, our “kids” got a nice paycheck for their effort and we got to spend some “working quality” time together — and enjoy big, juicy beef strip steaks for our Saturday evening supper.

Lest you label me as “lazy” for not helping a lot with the painting, I have no bizness up on ladders these days, so I spent my time cutting grass and tending to our gardens. I also made a pretty good “go-fer” and “hand-me-that-er.”

•••

I’ve mentioned before that I’m pretty benevolent about non-poisonous snakes. I’ll leave them alone if they’re eating rodents as they’re supposed to, but my tolerance is zero if they are messing with my chicken flock.

Well, last week when I wuz gathering the eggs one evening, I discovered a big ol’ blacksnake trying to get his mouth around an egg in a nest. It wuz just about to accomplish its free egg meal, but I put a stop to that nonsense. I wuz wearing my ever-present goat-skin leather gloves, so I snatched that thieving snake with my left hand, extracted the still unbroken egg from its mouth, and pronto-like ended it’s conniving days.

At least I won’t have to worry about that black snake eating the new chicks that a hen is due to hatch in a few days. Another snake will probably take its place.

•••

Nirvana! We enjoyed our first meal of the summer of bacon, lettuce, and garden-fresh tomato sandwiches. We topped it off with new sweet corn from our neighbor. Folks, it just don’t get much better than that.

I’ll mention that while picking those first tomatoes I wuz surprised to come face to face with a large blue racer snake that wuz nonchalantly slithering its way from tomato cage to tomato cage. I have no idea what it wuz hunting up in the tomatoes.

But, since it wuzn’t bothering anything, I left it along with the thought that it’s been decades since I saw a blue racer snake. They’re kinda pretty, for a snake.

•••

This has been a strange season for wildlife behavior. Usually the purple martins begin their migration with the year’s young ‘uns about the middle of August. This year, all but two pair of purple martins pulled out for who knows where about a month early. I figgered they’d be back before they headed south, but it ain’t happened yet.

•••

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation and while he’s there he meets an Aussie farmer.

They get talking and the Aussie farmer shows off his big wheat field. The Texan is unimpressed and says, “We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large as that.”

They drive around the ranch more, and then the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan is again unimpressed and says, “We have Longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.”

They carry on driving around the ranch when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, “And what the heck are those?”

The Aussie replies smugly, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?”

•••

A farmer owned a huge herding dog and wuz perplexed when the old dog became cross-eyed. So, he took his cross-eyed dog to the vet.

The vet picked the dog up to examine him and said, “Sorry, I’m going to have to put him down, right now!”

The alarmed farmer said “Oh, no! It’s not that bad is it?”

The vet said, “Yes, he’s just too heavy.”

•••

Did you hear that PETA is filing a class action lawsuit against all sweetcorn farmers.

Betcha can’t guess the basis of PETA’s lawsuit?

It’s charging that the farmers are abusing the corn by chronically pulling its ears.

•••

If every creature on this Good Earth is here for a reason, I’d like to know what the reason is for chiggers. The only reason I can think of is to make summers more miserable.

•••

No words of wisdom this week. Just a joke. What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a rat terrier? He got a hog-diggity-dog.

Have a good ‘un. ❖