Petersen: A guide to the aging process
October 27, 2017
Finally, a guide to the aging process — especially helpful to the youth-challenged. Regardless of diet, genes, potions, notions or presidential edicts, no one survives the march of time. The following aphorisms, slogans, mottos and mantras — A to Z — can be laminated (and for quick reference) mounted on your refrigerator door.
Addlepated: What happens when your short-term memory shorts out … again.
Boldly going nowhere.
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Chaos planned here.
Counting coup: The number of times you dally, shuffle-walk, forget, fidget and lose stuff.
Discretion: The art of realistic lying.
Endangered species: Old people.
Everybody has a story. Please don't tell me yours.
Extraction: That which happened to your teeth.
Fodder: Sometimes married to your mudder.
Fossils Fellowship Association: Includes fogies, farmers, fatuous folk, flukes, funsters, fetish practitioners and obsessive compulsives.
Golden years: The tailgate of life when you change your will — again; write your memoir — again; make lists of relatives and realtors waiting for you to die.
Hanky-panky allowed here.
Helpless? Hopeless? Please go away.
If your fete hurts, you're badly organized.
Jogging: The art of jiggling personal parts in public.
Kent: Superman's earth name when he visits the White House.
Lallapaloosa: What you see in your mirror.
Long ago and far away: Your love life.
Misfits Lodge: Home for the clueless, the stupid and the woe-be-gone.
My house is not messy; you're way too critical.
No time-out for the bewildered, beleaguered or befuddled.
Numbers game: Guessing an oldster's age.
Operation: What happened to your gall bladder, your bum knee, your torn rotator cuff, your hip, your tonsils.
Paltry: The amount in your savings account.
Quoth Hoary the Oldster: "Go away, you're boring."
Raising cane: What used to be a fun time — now, too much trouble to bother with.
Saturation point: That depends on Depends.
Start the World, God. I'm awake.
Sugar free attitudes available here.
Short term memory: The art of … ?
Taking it easy: A Tylenol moment.
Uttering and muttering: The art of sotto-voicing your favorite curse words.
Venting: The art of passing gas in a crowded room.
Wandering permitted in all sectors.
Warning: Platitudes running loose.
Wondering: Where you left your glasses, keys, mind and what was it you stood up to do?
X-crossing: Where the elderly, the infirm and the mildly demented roam.
ZZZZ's: the number of naps you can fit into a day.
ZIP: What you're out of now that you've reached:
THE END ❖