Petersen: A guide to the aging process | TheFencePost.com

Petersen: A guide to the aging process

Finally, a guide to the aging process — especially helpful to the youth-challenged. Regardless of diet, genes, potions, notions or presidential edicts, no one survives the march of time. The following aphorisms, slogans, mottos and mantras — A to Z — can be laminated (and for quick reference) mounted on your refrigerator door.

A

Addlepated: What happens when your short-term memory shorts out … again.

B

Boldly going nowhere.

C

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Chaos planned here.

Counting coup: The number of times you dally, shuffle-walk, forget, fidget and lose stuff.

D

Discretion: The art of realistic lying.

E

Endangered species: Old people.

Everybody has a story. Please don't tell me yours.

Extraction: That which happened to your teeth.

F

Fodder: Sometimes married to your mudder.

Fossils Fellowship Association: Includes fogies, farmers, fatuous folk, flukes, funsters, fetish practitioners and obsessive compulsives.

G

Golden years: The tailgate of life when you change your will — again; write your memoir — again; make lists of relatives and realtors waiting for you to die.

H

Hanky-panky allowed here.

Helpless? Hopeless? Please go away.

I

If your fete hurts, you're badly organized.

J

Jogging: The art of jiggling personal parts in public.

K

Kent: Superman's earth name when he visits the White House.

L

Lallapaloosa: What you see in your mirror.

Long ago and far away: Your love life.

M

Misfits Lodge: Home for the clueless, the stupid and the woe-be-gone.

My house is not messy; you're way too critical.

N

No time-out for the bewildered, beleaguered or befuddled.

Numbers game: Guessing an oldster's age.

O

Operation: What happened to your gall bladder, your bum knee, your torn rotator cuff, your hip, your tonsils.

P

Paltry: The amount in your savings account.

Q

Quoth Hoary the Oldster: "Go away, you're boring."

R

Raising cane: What used to be a fun time — now, too much trouble to bother with.

S

Saturation point: That depends on Depends.

Start the World, God. I'm awake.

Sugar free attitudes available here.

Short term memory: The art of … ?

T

Taking it easy: A Tylenol moment.

U

Uttering and muttering: The art of sotto-voicing your favorite curse words.

V

Venting: The art of passing gas in a crowded room.

W

Wandering permitted in all sectors.

Warning: Platitudes running loose.

Wondering: Where you left your glasses, keys, mind and what was it you stood up to do?

X

X-crossing: Where the elderly, the infirm and the mildly demented roam.

Z

ZZZZ's: the number of naps you can fit into a day.

ZIP: What you're out of now that you've reached:

THE END ❖