Petersen: I’m so old | TheFencePost.com

Petersen: I’m so old

Mavis, a cowgirl getting on in years — well, she's already "on" as she will turn 90 next month. Mavis is taking part in the local Senior Center Stage production of The Geriatric Vaudeville Follies.

"Everybody," says Mavis, "will get old or is old … if they're lucky."

"I, myself," she added, "am going for a hundred. If George Burns could hit that number, even though he smoked cigars all his life, why not me? And what about Winston Churchill? And Julia Child? They each carried on till they hit 92. Both enjoyed multiple daily gin and tonics. So, why not me?"

Of course," she said thoughtfully, "I don't smoke, and I prefer brandy to gin. Still, I should be able to hold on for a few more years. So, I thought I'd become a comedienne in my dotage. Kinda like that Jeff Foxworthy guy who does those "You Might Be A Redneck If …" I'm gonna develop an "I'm So Old …" routine."

The following are some of Mavis' Old Age sayings… She was a big hit at the Geriatric Vaudeville show.

MAVIS SEZ…

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I'M SO OLD……….

I'm so old, I visited Egypt when Tut was King.

I'm so old, I've decided to remain immature.

I'm so old, my native tongue was Latin.

I'm so old, I drove a Model T Ford when it was only a Model 0.

I'm so old, nobody gropes me.

I'm so old, I had a pet dinosaur.

I'm so old, Van Gogh still had both ears.

I'm so old, Plymouth Rock was just a pebble.

I'm so old, the Mona Lisa wore a frown.

I'm so old, the Leaning Tower of Pisa stood up straight.

I'm so old, Old Faithful in Yellowstone was only a burp.

I'm so old, I was once engaged to a Cro-Magnon.

I'm so old, the wheel hadn't been invented.

I'm so old, I've seen Haley's Comet three times.

I'm so old, I have knitted ugly sweaters from woolly mammoth hair.

I'm so old, Noah invited me onto his Ark.

I'm so old, sexual harassment was a cave man with a club. I'm so old, I enjoyed it.

I'm so old, Moses had yet to part the Red Sea.

I'm so old, the Rocky Mountains were merely speed bumps on the prairie.

I'm so old, when I was young, the Nile River was just a long puddle.

I'm so old, I thought the earth was flat.

I'm so old, I loaned my friend, Frieda, a pair of bloomers.

I'm so old, I write all my letters on a slate.

I'm so old, I think a nest-egg was what you find under a chicken.

I'm so old, I dated Wyatt Earp.

I'm so old, my first car was a covered wagon.

I'm so old, I spanked George Washington for lying.

I'm so old, I sharpened quills for Shakespeare.

I'm so old, Ben Franklin's kite-key was the one to my house.

I'm so old, the clerk at the antique store wouldn't let me leave.

I'm so old, Mathew, Mark, Luke and John autographed my Bible.

I'm so old, my social security number is 1.

I'm so old, Moses signed my yearbook.

I'm so old, I helped invent the wheel.

I'm so old, my blood type has been discontinued.

I'm so old, flowers frighten me.

I'm so old, my first Christmas wasthe first Christmas.

I'm so old, public transportation was a stage coach.

I'm so old, carrier pigeons delivered the mail.

I'm so old, I think these jokes are funny.❖