Petersen: Recipes for the cooking impaired | TheFencePost.com

Petersen: Recipes for the cooking impaired

Recipe lovers: Those who are addicted to cookery whether it's creating a new main dish or delighting in a fancy bakery. The passionate cook can enjoy days, weeks, months and years of kitchen activities, especially those involving mixing, stirring, blending, combining, heating, sauteing, blanching, dicing, shredding, slicing and peeling. If you're a chef of any level of expertise, you know the drill.

Then there's the rest of us. I'm referring to the hopeless, the helpless and the couldn't-care-less kitchen slaves. We do it largely because we need to eat to stay fit enough to be able to do the things we really like doing such as anything that doesn't involve any of the above-mentioned scullery endeavors. However, I admit deep admiration for talented cooks and particularly enjoy sampling whatever they contrive.

Books of cookery and menus have been produced for centuries. The cave woman scratched recipes on her rock-wall kitchen area. From day one of the creation of the world, cookbooks have dwelt on bookshelves in the homes of cooking maestros whether they be ranch kitchens, chuckwagons, linecamps, shipboard galleys or military mess halls.

Walk into any bookstore and you will find an abundance of cookbooks containing everything from simple recipes to formulas so complex, even Martha Stewart becomes puzzled. Every country and culture and region are represented. Which is why our local Woman's Club has decided to create a cookbook to represent the cookery gems of Sweet Grass County. To be named (possibly) Crazy Mountain Cookery. And, to include recipes handed down from anybody's ancestors.

Which is how the idea of inserting a once-in-awhile "humorous" recipe here and there within the book came about. Turns out the ramrodder of the project had an aunt who arrived in this country as a pilgrim. She (the aunt) wrote, "It was fed to all the presidents and no one liked it. Even the pigs that Abe kept would not eat it. It needs salt, they said."

Well, salt had not been invented yet. So, a little secret to making the pie taste better was to go to the store and purchase already made whipping cream. Cream makes everything taste better.

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The recipe is called:

Pumpkin pie no one will eat

1 pumpkin, 1 tsp. cinnamon, 1 tsp. nutmeg, 1 can evaporated milk.

Stir all ingredients together. Pour in 8-inch pie shell. Bake at 300 degrees for 5 hours. Remove from oven and throw away.

And here's a couple more tongue-in-cheek recipes. Feel free to adapt to taste.

Plain water popsicles

2 c. water (approximately)

Stir water if needed.

Fill ice-cube trays with water.

Place water-filled tray in freezer.

Set timer for 15 minutes.

Check tray. Poke cube with toothpick. If toothpick comes out damp, cube not done.

Return tray to freezer. Repeat check every 15 minutes until toothpick freezes in cube.

Cube is now a popsicle and can be licked while holding toothpick as a handle.

Peanut-butter & jelly party snack

10 slices of any kind of bread, peanut butter, smooth or crunchy according to preference, any kind of jelly, one brandy jigger, large stand-by jug of brandy.

Divide the bread slices into two stacks.

Liberally spread peanut butter on slices of one of the stacks.

Ditto jelly on the other stack.

Spread peanut-buttered slices (peanut butter side face-up) side-by-side on counter.

Place jelly slices (jelly side down) atop the peanut-butter slices to make sandwiches.

With serrated bread knife, cut each sandwich into 1-inch squares.

Arrange on plate.

Eat one.

Wash down with jigger of brandy.

Repeat brandy as needed.❖