Petersen: Resolved | TheFencePost.com

Petersen: Resolved

Ready or not, a new year is here. Folks are making resolutions to do better, be nicer, save more, spend less and be kinder. The list of potentially uplifting, inspiring, rousing, inspirational "to-do" goals to achieve in 2018 is admirable, ain't it?

The following is a list of "not to do" resolutions for those of the more realistic, jaded, jaundiced and semi-cynical mind set. It's a big club with lots of members. Feel free to add your own not to do resolutions to this starter list.

RESOLVED … Not to … attend any potluck gatherings…

RESOLVED … Not to … believe any words uttered in any form by any politician…

RESOLVED … Not to … believe anything from "social media" such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or who's on first…

RESOLVED … Not to … clean house…

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RESOLVED … Not to … cook…

RESOLVED … Not to … eat anything that's "good for you…"

RESOLVED … Not to … exercise for ditto reason above…

RESOLVED … Not to … fall down…

RESOLVED … Not to … get snowed in…

RESOLVED … Not to … give up eating donuts…

RESOLVED … Not to … go fishing…

RESOLVED … Not to … grow younger…

RESOLVED … Not to … listen to scam phone messages…

RESOLVED … Not to … read any online ads, ditto newspapers and magazines…

RESOLVED … Not to … read scam email messages…

RESOLVED … Not to … smoke…

RESOLVED … Not to … wear any kind of makeup…

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Fruitarian. Fruitarians eat only nuts, fruits and flowers that can be harvested without causing damage to the plant. (Pull that carrot out of the ground very gently). Avocados, tomatoes and eggplants are considered to be fruits.

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Flexitarian. Flexitarians eat a mostly vegetarian diet, but occasionally eat meat. (Sometimes can be seen slyly slipping into a MacDonald's just before closing time).

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Vegan. Vegans do not eat animal products.

RESOLVED … Not to … become an Ethical Vegan. Ethical Vegans reject the commodity status of animals and the use of animal products for any purpose.

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Vegetarian. Vegetarians do not eat the flesh of any animals (mammals, birds or fish).

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Lacto-Vegetarian, Lacto-Vegetarians don't eat beef, poultry, fish, or eggs.

RESOLVED … Not to … become an Ovo-Vegetarian. Ovo-Vegetarians eat eggs but don't consume dairy.

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Pesco-Vegetarians. Pesco-Vegetarians do not eat beef or poultry but do eat fish.

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Pollo-Vegetarian. Pollo-Vegetarians eat no beef, but do eat poultry.

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Semi-Vegetarian (also called a Flexitarian). Semi-Vegetarians eat "less" meat (Less than whom or what, one can wonder. People? Aardvarks? Dung beetles? Vultures?)

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Strict Vegetarian. Strict Vegetarians are people who follow a Vegan diet but still use animal products in other parts of their lives. (such as shoes, belts, boots, dog collars, saddles, certain wall hangings and fur coats).

RESOLVED … Not to … become a Cannibal-Vegetarian. Cannibal-Vegetarians do not eat animal meat, but do consume human flesh. Cannibal-Vegetarians are also referred to as: body snatchers. (Just in case, let me hasten to assure all readers that the last item on the list is a joke. No need to check if there are actual bodies in the coffins of recent burials). ❖