Petersen: The right to bearhammers
June 1, 2018
Every sane person is desperate to protect kids and others from people with twisted minds who go on killing sprees. Pro-gun or anti-gun … the blame game never stops. Did you know that other objects that have killing potential are being investigated by authorities, such as hammers?
It is worrisome the way hammer manufacturers and hammer dealers are allowed to sell, dispense, market and supply these dangerous implements to anyone, no matter the purchaser's age or competency. Any nutcase can buy a hammer. It is well-documented that hammers hurt people. Hammers gone amok smash thumbs, blister palms and cause aching carpals.
However, the National Hammer Association claims that hammers don't attack, maim, wound or kill. The NHA makes the irresponsible charge that death by hammer is the direct result of one Homo Sapiens doing in another. What kind of thinking is that?
Due to the public's outcry that something must be done, legislators have introduced bills demanding that hammer manufacturers create "smart" hammers with safety locks. Tiny digital codes shall be installed in hammer handles. Before a user can pound a nail, he or she must punch in the secret code. This will save many a hammer user from the bother of guarding a favorite hammer against theft or misuse by casual hammer users or small children.
All hammers shall be registered (even the tiny recreational tack hammer) while sledge and jack hammers shall be classified as heavy weaponry and outlawed entirely. Carrying a concealed or an unregistered hammer shall be punishable with incarceration and fines.
All hammer buyers shall be required to endure a five-day waiting period while his or her background is investigated. Hammer advertisements on television shall be banned. Magazines carrying ads for hammers shall be kept under the counters. Young people must show identification that proves they have reached their majority.
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A dealer who sells without carding the buyer shall be held liable for any hammer mishap perpetrated by an underage individual
All hammer owners shall be required to enroll in hammer-safety classes, where they can be properly instructed in care and maintenance of hammers as well as how to avoid hammer accidents. Class fees shall be paid by hammer dealers and hammer manufacturers who shall also share costs of medical expenses for any hammer buyer who skips class and subsequently smashes a thumb or finger or drops the implement on a toe.
These restrictions on hammer use are necessary due to modern society's penchant for violent solutions to social problems. Before the invention of the hammer, murder was confined to the use of bare hands, poisoning, knifing, drowning, garroting, shoving over cliff edges, voo-doo or boredom.
Hard on the heels of the hammer — a devil's tool — came the invention of nails. How many crucifixions could have been avoided if an evil hammer and its hench-nails had been unavailable?
Hammers have been responsible for forging hot steel into shapes which became axes, and an axe, as is well known, led to Lizzie Borden's unfortunate hate crime against her parents. And what of the hammer's ability to become forged steel can then be shaped into knives, swords and hatpins — all weapons that have the potential to go on berserk killing sprees.
Still the constitution specifically states that citizens have the right to bear hammers.
Question: Where can one find a bearhammer?