Petersen: Those two outrageous old cowgirls are out of control … again
April 7, 2017
It was while Matty and Mildred were attending a bull sale last week that an idea bloomed in Mildred's brain.
"Ya know, Matty," said Mildred thoughtfully, "seein' all the fine descriptions in this sale catalog puts me in mind of cowboys."
Matty: "You're off again, ain't ya, Mildred. What are you thinkin' up now?"
Mildred: "Well, summer's comin'. Ya know how we get kinda flooded with visitors and tourists of all sorts."
Matty: "Yeah. So?"
Mildred: "Well a lot of 'em are young fillies of the two-legged kind. And I'm not talkin' about chickens. Young gals with hormones ricocheting off the walls come out West, romantical notions burnin' in their chests, hopin' to snare a handsome cowboy."
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Matty: "Can't fault 'em for that. If I was a bunch of years younger, I'd be trollin' for a stud myself."
Mildred: "'Zactly. So, I say we make a Cowboy Stud Catalog to hand out to the gals. Help 'em sort the duds from the studs."
Matty: "Yeah? And just how you gonna do that? You'll need photos won't ya? And some sorta biography of each one. You know most cowpokes aren't gonna stand still for all that pryin' and spyin.'"
Mildred: "Not a problem, Matty. We're here today at the biggest bull-sale of the year. Lots of punchers here, some of 'em even wearin' clean shirts. All you gotta do is sashay past the boys one at a time and snap a photo with your fancy phone. And if you catch any of 'em on horseback, that's even better."
M and M got right to work and by the time the sale was half over, Matty had collected a backlog of snapshots. M and M sorted, selected and culled from the photos, after which, Mildred worked diligently on descriptive words. In a week, they had a brightly colored catalog drafted. The cover showed a buckaroo so handsome, Matty nearly bawled. "Oh, my," she said, "those were the good old days."
"Well, don't get too excited," said Mildred, "I pulled that dude's photo off the Internet. Now, pay attention. We've come up with six basic stud types."
Cowboy Stud — Type One: Generally well set up. Medium height, but tall in the saddle. Tends to be a stayer. Good walker. Can fix broke-down machinery. Doesn't spook near water.
Cowboy Stud — Type Two: Comes in tall, short or medium height. Can ride the range tirelessly. A few dings from having been thrown off a bronc. Likes dogs, horses and mules.
Cowboy Stud — Type Three: Flashy dresser. Wears jeans tucked into showy boots. Lean, easy keeper. Keeps his tack oiled and polished. Handy with a welding torch.
Cowboy Stud — Type Four: Likes bright-colored shirts. A homebody except during rodeo days. Likes to attend country dances. Does a mean two-step.
Cowboy Stud — Type Five: Built along sturdy lines. Returns often to the house for food. Can't dance but has lots of potential with proper training. Not afraid of water if not applied more than once a week.
Cowboy Stud — Type Six: Good doer. Has had previous owners. Proven sire. Tireless worker. Can speak in full sentences.
Mildred and Matty stopped at six varieties, figuring any further embellishments would be up to the gal investing her money and time.
"Done," said Mildred, "now all we gotta do is get this printed and copies placed in local hotel, motels, feed stores, dude ranches, restaurants and bars."
"Gosh," said Matty anxiously, "do ya think we're doing a good thing for the boys?"
Mildred: "You betcha. The boys 'll be grinnin' all over themselves when the gals start sniffin' around. Cowboy studs might be bashful, might not be slick talkers, might have two left feet on the dance floor, but they ain't stupid. They'll figger out what to do. Come fall, we'll likely have a few weddin's to attend." ❖