Petersen: Vegetarian anthems | TheFencePost.com

Petersen: Vegetarian anthems

The core feeling among vegetarians is:

They've figured out the meaning of life.

They're quite sure that they'll live forever.

Is anybody else, besides myself, confused about differences among assorted styles of vegetarians? Just to clarify, I've penned some definitions in verse form.

“Pullquote.”

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Vegetarian Anthems

Lacto-OVO vegetarians:

(the most common pious type)

But they will drink bovine milk!

(And hen-fruit they also like).

Lacto-vegetarians eschew:

All kinds of meat and also eggs

But lactos do accept cow-milk!

(A critter standing on four legs)!

OVO-vegetarians reject:

Any fauna-critter product

Except the unassuming egg —

(Which come from chicken hens that cluck)!

And lastly, holier-than-thou Vegans:

Who won't ingest — ever, ever!

Nada dairy, eggs, or meat!

Oh, never, never, never, never!

Vegans and vegetarians claim

Red-meat eaters must be wholly insane

V and Vs get real smug

Treat meat eaters with scorn and shrugs

For V and Vs have found the key

To living forever and ever, by gee!

V and Vs proclaim in print

That meat is food I should stint

I'll never get sick or take to my bed

If I don't eat meat, especially red

Meat clogs arteries; makes one dead

(So, Vs say and shudder with dread).

My cholesterol, they claim, will rise

If I eat meat instead of rice

Consume only tofu and soybeans

And I'll fit forever into my jeans

Now listen here, oh, V and V,

Don't preach or sermonize to me!

I've a hard-won right to choose

Give up meat! I refuse!

So, vegetarians, please! Shut up!

I have listened more than enough!

Cuz despite your smug huffing 'n puffing

You're someday gonna be dyin' of nothing! ❖