Petersen: Woolly west edicts
March 2, 2018
Edicts: the word may be defined as proclamations, announcements, preachments, laws, decrees, statues, acts, diktats, orders, commands, rulings, statements, declarations.
Greenhorns to woolly west ranch country are sometimes confused, puzzled, perplexed, baffled, bewildered and mystified by country words, deeds and attitudes. Tenderfoots may find the following Woolly West Question and Answer Edicts helpful.
Question: When do you see cowpokes, ranch-hands or stockmen wearing short-sleeved shirts?
“ When do you see cowpokes, ranch hands or stockmen wearing short-sleeved shirts? Answer: Never.”
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Q: When do country-western men jog?
A: Never. But sometimes they run like the dickens to head off or turn back a high-tailing critter.
Q: What is accepted dress-for-success garb for most country-western women?
A: Coveralls, scabby work boots, holey hat and shredded yellow-cotton work gloves.
Q: What are some colloquialisms frequently in use among country-western folk?
A: Hang and rattle: Meaning make a big noise and a pest of yourself until somebody notices.
Q: What does one country-western person say to another when asked, "How's it going?"
A: "Could be worse; could be better."
Q: What does a country-western person say to (or about) someone who makes what is deemed a serious mistake in a relationship?
A: "He/she sure did drive his/her geese to a poor market."
Q: What does a country-western person say when in the presence of people of opposite opinions or who own excitable personalities get into an altercation?
A: "There's a monkey and a parrot situation!"
Q: What does the country-western person say when admiring the superior ability of a well-trained cutting horse?
A: "That horse is so good, he could cut a piss ant away from the sugar bowl."
Q: What is a sheepdog?
A: A four-footed, medium-sized, friendly canine, which spends time herding livestock or waiting outside a local bar for its master.
Q: When does a country-western person trade in his old pickup for a new one?
A: Never. Should he purchase a new vehicle, he keeps the old one tethered behind the barn or in the old-machinery graveyard. Every so often, he goes out to start it up — one more time. Or, if he has offspring, they drive it around the ranch. Come fall and school, the kids use it to drive to the county road to meet the school bus.
An old pickup becomes part of the family and earns a nickname such as old Blue, Old Greenie or Old Clank and Rattle.
Q: When does a country-western man repair, paint, fix-up or otherwise perk up his pickup?
A: Practically never. If the door handle falls off or won't work, the country man uses the other side door for egress and ingress. Should springs poke through the seat fabric, he throws a heavy horse blanket over the protuberance.
Q: In a Woolly West restaurant, how often does a wait person refill your coffee cup?
A: Every 3 seconds.
Q: Where does the country-western person go to obtain a gourmet western meal?
A: To the restaurant next to the stockyards where he's just delivered some cattle for the sale.
Q: What gourmet food does the stockyard restaurant serve?
A: Breakfast: Sausage, gravy, biscuits and eggs. Or sausage, gravy, biscuits, eggs and steak.
Lunch: (Sometimes referred to as dinner). Meat, potatoes, gravy, salad (maybe, maybe not), vegetable (canned peas or beans) homemade bread and rhubarb pie.
Dinner: In the country, referred to as supper. Same as lunch but with ice cream on the pie.
These are only a few Woolly West Edicts. Watch this space for more. ❖