Peterson: Cowboy Clem goes on a date
Cowboy Clem was awful shy,
So, when he fell in love with Kate
He asked for help from a cooler guy
What should he do on a date?
Not a problem, I’ll give it some thought
Said Mr. Experienced guy
Take her to dinner at a real posh place
But don’t ask the waiter for pie!
“But my tongue gets thick ‘n I cain’t talk”
Said cowboy Clem with a groan.
“She’ll think I’m the biggest dummy
The world has ever known!”
“Not a problem,” said Cowboy Cool,
“Just have some vodka near.
Put it in a water glass.
It’s vodka, it’ll be clear.”
“To help you when your tongue gets tangled,
Just take a little sip.
It’ll make your speechifyin’ smooth
As words fall from your lips.”
I’ll take a table near you and Kate
And listen as you court,
And make some notes and later say
Where you fell mighty short.”
Clem went forth, his brain on fire,
And called upon his Kate
Armed with vodka, he stoked his brave
And asked her for a date.
He took her to a fancy bistro
Like he thought he oughter.
He ordered swanky wine for Kate
And for himself? Just water!
The evening passed; Clem did his best
He rattled on and on
From his vodka, took frequent sips
Till all of it was gone.
The very next day, Cowboy Cool
Reviewed Clem’s behavior
“Clem,” he said, I must frankly say
I’m doing you a favor.”
“Advising what you shouldn’t do
And pointing a new direction!
So, listen closely as I recount
Your total lack of discretion!”
“You shouldn’t gulp the vodka, Clem,
Just sip from time to time.
Don’t say “Can’t nobody call you fatty,
To me you look just fine.”
“When pulling a chair for Kate, don’t say
‘Set yer buns down here!’
Don’t shove her forward like a sack of grain,
Don’t say, ‘Wanna beer?”
“When she says, ‘Please pass the salt,’
Don’t say, ‘free-choice or loose?’
Cuz they ain’t got no mineral block here,
So, that one you cain’t choose.’”
“Don’t say, ‘Your eyes got a polecat shine.
Don’t say, ‘Your purty hair’s
As soft as fluff on a long-haired kitty’
And glossy as hide on a mare.’”
“When you take her home and say good night,
Don’t say, ‘Don’t be stuck up!’
You’re a purty little heifer.
So, jist you pucker up!”
“When Kate drew back and swung at you
And made you bite your tongue,
You shouldn’t have said, ‘See what ya done!
Heck, Kate, you ain’t no fun!’”
Next morning, Clem nursed his head,
And wondered at his fate.
But Cowboy Cool has got it made,
He’s got a date with Kate! ❖