Peterson: Cowboy Clem goes on a date | TheFencePost.com

Peterson: Cowboy Clem goes on a date

Cowboy Clem was awful shy,

So, when he fell in love with Kate

He asked for help from a cooler guy

What should he do on a date?

Not a problem, I'll give it some thought

Said Mr. Experienced guy

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Take her to dinner at a real posh place

But don't ask the waiter for pie!

"But my tongue gets thick 'n I cain't talk"

Said cowboy Clem with a groan.

"She'll think I'm the biggest dummy

The world has ever known!"

"Not a problem," said Cowboy Cool,

"Just have some vodka near.

Put it in a water glass.

It's vodka, it'll be clear."

"To help you when your tongue gets tangled,

Just take a little sip.

It'll make your speechifyin' smooth

As words fall from your lips."

I'll take a table near you and Kate

And listen as you court,

And make some notes and later say

Where you fell mighty short."

Clem went forth, his brain on fire,

And called upon his Kate

Armed with vodka, he stoked his brave

And asked her for a date.

He took her to a fancy bistro

Like he thought he oughter.

He ordered swanky wine for Kate

And for himself? Just water!

The evening passed; Clem did his best

He rattled on and on

From his vodka, took frequent sips

Till all of it was gone.

The very next day, Cowboy Cool

Reviewed Clem's behavior

"Clem," he said, I must frankly say

I'm doing you a favor."

"Advising what you shouldn't do

And pointing a new direction!

So, listen closely as I recount

Your total lack of discretion!"

"You shouldn't gulp the vodka, Clem,

Just sip from time to time.

Don't say "Can't nobody call you fatty,

To me you look just fine."

"When pulling a chair for Kate, don't say

'Set yer buns down here!'

Don't shove her forward like a sack of grain,

Don't say, 'Wanna beer?"

"When she says, 'Please pass the salt,'

Don't say, 'free-choice or loose?'

Cuz they ain't got no mineral block here,

So, that one you cain't choose.'"

"Don't say, 'Your eyes got a polecat shine.

Don't say, 'Your purty hair's

As soft as fluff on a long-haired kitty'

And glossy as hide on a mare.'"

"When you take her home and say good night,

Don't say, 'Don't be stuck up!'

You're a purty little heifer.

So, jist you pucker up!"

"When Kate drew back and swung at you

And made you bite your tongue,

You shouldn't have said, 'See what ya done!

Heck, Kate, you ain't no fun!'"

Next morning, Clem nursed his head,

And wondered at his fate.

But Cowboy Cool has got it made,

He's got a date with Kate! ❖