Pitts: Black or Red? | TheFencePost.com

Pitts: Black or Red?

I learned a long time ago that most people can be divided into one of two camps. My wife taught me that lesson the first time we went grocery shopping together 45 years ago. When we came to the condiment aisle she had a preconceived notion that our mayonnaise needs would best be filled by Best Foods. But I was a Miracle Whip guy. Right there in the store she informed me that Miracle Whip was for poor, homeless, bums while I told her that Best Foods was for rich, overeducated snobs. My taste buds have not been tickled by Miracle Whip since that day.

As with checkers, it's the same with commercial cattlemen, most can be divided into either Black or Red.

The bigger band of black brothers and sisters are more apt to own a tractor and do some farming, while the others bet it all on red and only raise cattle. Blacks are more apt to golf, while the Reds usually have a roping arena on their place. The Black contingent are more likely to have radio ear tags in their cattle, use a calf table and either freeze brand or apply no brand at all. Reds still do it the old-fashioned way with real branding irons and a hot fire. A Red's branding smells like oak or mesquite with a hint of cow manure; a black's branding smells of disinfectant. If there's a red-hided animal in a Black's pasture you know it's the result of a recessive gene, but if there's a black hided bull in with Red's cows you know it belongs to the neighbors.

Commercial cattlemen who prefer black-hided cattle are more apt to retain ownership, while Red's calves are sold on the video or at the local auction market. A breeder of blacks can tell you the birth, weaning and yearling weight EPD's of every one of his bulls, whereas a red breeder can tell you the price of eight weights in Kansas. Blacks own all their land while Reds lease theirs, usually from the feds. The Reds know that BLM stands for the Bureau of Land Management but to a Black a BLM is a bowel movement. So you see, there's not much difference after all.

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Black's squeeze chute is either blue or green while Reds naturally prefer red. Black's is a $15,000 hydraulic squeeze but Red wouldn't spend $15,000 for a pickup, let alone a squeeze chute. Speaking of which, Black's work vehicle is a Yukon or Chevy Tahoe while Red usually drives a Ford F-150. Black uses an ATV to check the cows but Red rides a Quarter Horse. Black owns a tractor that usually "runs like a Deere" whereas Red knows all that deer are good for is hunting. He swears there will never be a tractor on his place. Black prefers his saddle fully tooled while Red rides a roughout.

Black supplements his cows with tubs, cubes or rations that were concocted by a consulting nutritionist. It usually involves distiller's grains. Red feeds his cows rained-on hay and believes beer is for people, not beeves.

Black is a Cinch jean, boxer-wearing, Catholic or Episcopalian who uses the latest iPhone. He or she bets on March Madness basketball and prefers filet mignon. Red wears briefs under his Wranglers, still uses a generic flip phone, is a BIG Dallas Cowboys fan and prefers a tasty ribeye. When Mrs. Red dresses up she wears Justin boots while Mrs. Black wears shoes bought at Nordstroms. Black is a staunch Republican conservative who still puts up a real Christmas tree, while Red hasn't voted for a Republican presidential candidate since Ronald Reagan. At Christmas he puts up a fake tree because he's too cheap to buy a real one. Red is not a member of any organized church, she's a Methodist.

The Reds believe in "Red. Right. Now." Whereas "Black Means Business!" Black breeders cheat by mixing in some Simmental blood when nobody's looking while Red cheats by blending in some Hereford blood. The only thing Blacks and Reds have in common is a hatred of White cattle.

Author's note: The opinions expressed here do not reflect the beliefs of the editor, publisher, owner or anyone else even remotely related to this publication because some are Blacks and some are Reds.❖