Pitts: The absolute worst
December 22, 2017
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" — George Carlin.
I spent 40 years of my life driving 50,000 miles per year going to and from cattle auctions. During that time I comprised my list of the world's worst drivers.
10 The horn honkers — The average driver honks his or her horn 15,250 times in their life, but I bet I haven't honked mine 250 times, which means someone is honking their horn over 30,000 times. Why is that person always behind me, laying on their horn while I'm stopped to let a pedestrian cross the road in a crosswalk as I am legally required to do?
9 Motorcyclists who drive between cars — I live in the only state where lane splitting is legal. Actually, motorcyclists are generally excellent drivers, it's just very disconcerting to be stuck in a traffic jam, when out of the blue something flashes by scaring the you-know-what out of you. It's either one of three things: an Air Force fighter jet, a Kawasaki or a lady going to a 50 percent off sale.
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8 Lexus-driving executives — Your average adult driver spends 55 minutes per day in his or her car, so it's only natural that overworked executives try to get a little work done at the same time they're driving. The problem is they get so busy working they forget they're supposed to be driving, so they end up taking up their half of the road out of the middle.
7 Make up artists — Why is it that people wait until they get in their car to comb their hair, adjust their earrings and apply their lip gloss. And that's just the guys. The women are even worse. Once, I even saw a guy shaving! At least it was with an electric razor and not Barbasol.
6 Hippie VW Drivers going 20 in a 55 mph zone — It's not really their fault, it's what happens when a person insists on driving a vehicle with a washing machine motor that was made during the Eisenhower administration.
5 Elderly Americans — I'll probably hear from the AARP about this, but I don't think we should allow anyone over 98 to drive. But for those elderly Americans who insist on driving I just have one thing to say, TURN OFF YOUR BLINKER!!!
4 Teenagers on cell phones — I know that teenagers are great multi-taskers, but I think it's a bit much to be rapping with Ice Cube while texting and towing a buddy in a broken down Honda with no brakes, with duct tape and a bungee cord, all while listening to concert-sized speakers that are shaking the ground and causing an earthquake somewhere in Oklahoma.
3 Trucks with farm implement tires — The folks who drive these 4-wheel-drive monsters 10 feet off the ground are usually excellent drivers. They have to be. It's just that they make me nervous. If I spent $50,000 on my undercarriage I'd want to try it out too by driving over the tops of a row of cars. I also object to the rule that whenever four vehicles arrive at a four way stop at the same time the vehicle with the biggest tires goes first.
2 Tailgaters — Finally, I have found a way to get them off my rear end. Wait until you build up some speed, and when they are right on your back bumper, turn on your windshield wipers, including the rear one. This gets water all over their newly-detailed BMW and reduces their visibility which means they probably won't see the crash.
1 Women going to garage sales — I was real proud of my driving record having driven all those miles without being in a wreck. Then one day a brand new SUV full of chattering women pulled right out in front of my wife and I. Then they insisted on driving 15 in a 55 because they were looking for a barn sale advertised on Craigslist. I pulled over to pass them where it was entirely legal to do and suddenly she saw the barn and without looking, turned left right in front of us.