Pitts: Unreal Estate
June 1, 2017
Being a ranch realtor these days must be difficult because they must appeal to two distinct types of buyers. There are the lifestyle buyers who could care less about about a ranch's carrying capacity, and then there are the ranchers who have pulled the wool over their banker's eyes and can get financed to buy another place. So how do ranch realtors appeal to lifestyle buyers without insulting the cattlemen, and vice versa? Here are a few unreal estate ads to show you how hard this must be.
See if you can tell which target audience the realtor is trying to reach.
Unparalleled recreational opportunity — Thrill to the blood-curdling call of the wolves. If you love to hunt this is the place is for you. (Sure, there's lots of hunting, but very little finding.) Javelina, bears, lions, skunks and wild turkey have been spotted in the past. (That was back in 1896 and the only Wild Turkey on this place is in the bar.) Live off the fat of the land (if you like to eat wild pig). A large elk herd lives on the ranch (and tramples all the fences and eats any hay you put out for the cows). Three miles of river frontage for fly fishing right outside your door (the house flooded five years ago). $35,000,000. Firm.
This One Will Pencil — (if you use some very fuzzy math). Will run 350 cows in a good year (the last good one was in 1956). Manufactured home on the premises that's so gross even the rats left. Miles and miles of old pipe that needs replacing. Comes with haying equipment (you're gonna need it). Only $7,000,000.
Live The Life Of Luxury — Impressive main residence is a 12,000 square foot sprawling log home with a media room, spa and gym. The entire 125-acre ranch is lushly landscaped. (It wouldn't feed two goats for a month.) Relax in your very own indoor/outdoor wrap-around-the-house seawater pool with a swim up bar (it's the only water on the place). Miles and miles of brand new plastic fencing. Borders Ted Turner so there are regular buffalo sightings on your property. Near a ski area. Act quick. This one won't be on the market for long. $75,000,000!
For The Cowboy In You — Equestrian facilities include round pen, roping arena, barn with 12 stalls. Would make a great ranch for miniature horses, ostriches or llamas (it's not worth a darn as a cow outfit). Could also be a profitable horse racing operation. (Yeah, and if pigs had wings they could fly.) Home on property is a double wide modular home that previously was Trevor Brazilles horse trailer. $3,000,000.
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Sustainable — For the greenie in you. Grow your own organic vegetables. Could be a solar facility or a great wind farm. (The weather around here is terrible.) One hundred percent of mineral rights sell with the ranch. (The only mineral around here is the asbestos in the walls of the broken-down home.) A natural amphitheater perfect for poetry readings. A real working ranch at 10,000 feet elevation near Jackson Hole with a $25 million view. There's no home for the manager (nor enough income to pay for one). If you have to ask the price you can't afford it.
300,000 Acre Ranch! — (295,000 acres BLM, 4,950 Forest Service lease, 50 acres deeded) There is a conservation easement on the entire ranch. (So the Nature Conservancy will be breathing down your neck constantly.) Will run 26 pair for half the year (but must be replaced constantly because the wolves around here are eating the cattle as fast as they can be replaced). Huge shop (it's bigger than the house). Could be a good grass ranch (now that they've legalized marijuana in this state). $26,000,000.
Historic Ranch — A rustic old-line camp cabin that dates to 1850, has some indoor plumbing and impressive history library is included. (The holes in the walls are chinked with old newspapers from 1936.) Outbuildings include your own outdoor boudoir. This place was used at one time to film Little House On The Prairie. Outdoor kitchen (there's not one in the house). Comes with a collectible squeeze chute. Great shopping nearby. (There's a COSTCO two hours away.) Call for price. (We're too embarrassed to say.)❖