Pitts: What were they thinking?
December 20, 2018
Have you ever seen something in a grocery store or restaurant and wondered what the person who first tasted it must have been thinking? Who was the first cave man to eat a jalapeño pepper and say to himself after dunking his head in a water trough, "Wowzer! That blew the top off my head and gave me the worst case of heartburn I've ever had but I can't wait to put some on my brontosaurus nachos."
How hungry did the first Norwegian have to be to eat lutefisk and how much had he been drinking?
Just as Adam ate the apple and got it stuck in his throat so that eons later guys like me with protruding Adam's apples would forever suffer ridicule, the first person who ate tuna eyeball casserole or jellied moose nose has been responsible for more suffering than the Chicago Cubs.
Here's my list of the most ridiculous foods I've ever tasted.
10. Artichokes — Whatever gave the first choke eater the idea that underneath that wad of thorns and fibrous, bitter-tasting leaves was something good to eat? Believe me, there's nothing funnier that watching a mob of hungry sheep try to eat a pickup load of rejected artichokes.
9. Coconut — Who in their right mind would shinny up a tall tree bending in the wind to cut down a rock like substance that tastes like a mildewed saddle blanket? Coconut water is all the health rage now and it must be because it uses up so many calories to get to it. I burned up three carbide bits trying to drill a hole in one before I remembered… I HATE COCONUT! This had to be discovered by someone shipwrecked on a deserted island whose choices for dinner boiled down to eating either coconuts, seaweed or sand. And the coconuts barely won.
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8. Liver — I've read that when the American Indians brought down a buffalo they celebrated by eating its liver. They didn't barbecue a filet or even enjoy some fajitas … their first choice was liver.
7. Curry — This is a blend of spices used to remove paint before sandblasting was invented. People in India used it to drive away the British who are known for their weak stomachs. It will never be served at a church social and has the power to physically hurt you.
6. Crab — Watching someone eat crustaceans is funnier than watching a horse bob for apples. The best thing about eating crab is you get to use a lot of tools like a hammer, chisel, table saw or vise. All to get a cocktail fork full of a chicken-like substance. Worse yet, if you order it in a high-class restaurant they'll tie a bib around your neck. I haven't worn a bib since I was 3 and I'm not about to start again now.
5. Blood sausage — The recipe calls for cooking blood with a filler until it congeals into a brick. The filler can be almost anything and I think the kind I tasted was blood mixed with sawdust. The Chinese consider it a delicacy and prefer pig or duck's blood mixed with tofu, which combines the two worst foods known to man. The German version of blood sausage is the wurst.
4. Haggis — I believe this is the Scottish word for sheep brains, which is what you must have in your head if you insist on eating the offal of an animal cooked in its own stomach.
3. Sushi — This was discovered when a Japanese cave man went fishing with his buddies, drank too much sake and while cleaning the fish wondered aloud, "What would fish guts taste like?" He then invented chop sticks so that it would be nearly impossible to eat.
2. Escargot — This is French for snails. I am told by relatives that when I was a toddler I ate a snail because my brother told me how good they were. I still haven't got the taste out of my mouth or trusted my brother ever again.
1. Pig's feet — So, two cave men are slopping the hogs and one says to other after looking at what the hogs were wallowing around in, "Gee, I wonder what their feet would taste like." ❖
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