Pitts: When animals sell bulls
May 4, 2018
High tech has destroyed businesses, turned Main Street into a ghost town, and driven your Fed Ex and UPS delivery person to sheer exhaustion. Forget the mall, Americans are shopping on their cell phones. One of the few industries high tech has not tipped over yet is the bull business, but it's only a matter of time. Here's how, and who, you'll be buying your bulls from in the future.
Amazon — You'll buy your bulls on your cell phone and Amazon will deliver them free if you are a member of Amazon Prime Bulls. (But not Amazon Choice.) To join Amazon Prime Bulls you must pay $10,000 up front before buying a single bull. Your bulls will be delivered by your Postal Service mail carrier and I hope your bulls arrive in better shape than my mail does.
Apple — When you buy a bull from Apple it will be the very best you can buy and it won't come with any viruses or infections. Apple bulls will have all the bells and whistles, will get their work done fast, be simple to use and will have no disposition problems. The only downside is they'll cost a fortune with the Apple 8 Bull selling for $9,999. You could buy IBM for what a golden Apple 10 Bull will cost.
Samsung — Your Samsung bull, imported from China, will do all the same things that the Apple Bull will do for half the price. The only downside is the bull may self-destruct at any minute.
Microsoft — Microsoft bulls will be crossbred and complex, difficult to control and you may have to re-boot them with your Tony Lama's to get them to work. You'll have to keep sending your Microsoft bull back until they send you one that will work. This will usually happen after the sixth try, but in the meantime your cows will either die of old age or get bred by your neighbor's Samsung bull. You'll need to buy lots of wormer and antibiotics because your Microsoft bulls will have bacterial infections, numerous viruses and be buggier than the beds at a $10-a-night fleabag motel. With every Microsoft bull you buy you'll be making Bill Gates even richer.
Facebook — The good news is that Facebook is giving bulls away but in order to get a free bull you'll have to fill out an exhaustive questionnaire and answer all sorts of personal questions about the breeding habits of you, and your cows. Facebook will then sell this information to a firm that sells Viagra online, the Chinese, Zoetis, the Democratic Party, Harbor Freight, American Angus Association, Sears, the CIA, FBI, Putin and the IRS. All these "Facebook friends" will then know all about the feeding, breeding and pooping patterns of you and your bulls. The pinnacle of humiliation will occur when your mother calls after reading about it in all the cow papers.
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Instagram — This Facebook-owned firm will sell bulls online using a catalog app that will display brief nude pictures of them. Once the bulls arrive at your ranch bid them a fast "adios" because you'll never see them again.
Twitter — Twitter bulls that text will tell you where they are and what they're doing every second of every day and night. In no time your Twitter bulls will be tweeting like Trump and will be much too busy to breed any cows.
Uber — Acquiring your herd sires through Uber may be the easiest way to acquire bulls. You'll call a toll free number, order a bull and in minutes an unpapered, unpedigreed, untested bull will arrive in a broken-down 1953 International Harvester truck that will be driven by a man from Nigeria who doesn't speak English. Months later when you preg check your cows only 40 percent of them will be safe-in-calf because your Uber bulls were so widely traveled prior to being dumped on your doorstep that they had every venereal disease known to man.
Google — Using the Google search engine you'll type in your preferred breed, how many cows you own, and your preferred EPD range in 20 different traits. Then, as if by magic, a Google Guy or Google Gal wearing a plastic sleeve and Google Goggles will magically appear faster than you can say "artificial insemination."
Is it any wonder Google is taking over the world?