‘Alternative’ curse words | TheFencePost.com

‘Alternative’ curse words

In today’s current culture of bad-mouthing, lying, cheating, phony “alternative facts” and filthy cursing, everybody seems to be trying to outdo one another in the use of foul expressions. Comedians seem to believe their material is humorous if they throw in a nasty profane word in every utterance. Now, I admit that I’m guilty of some cursing ­— at times, the explosive exclamation is the only thing one can do, but I hasten to say that I don’t employ the fouler adjectives one hears used practically everywhere by practically everyone. To address this uncouth bad-mouthing habit, I have devised a list of “10 expressive verbalizations” which I practice daily — depending on the situation or event. Feel free to adapt, adopt or make up your own “alternative” curse words.

You Dirty Handkerchief Full Of Snot! … good for when the cat brings a varmint — still alive — into the house.

May An Elephant Sit On Your Nose! … useful when answering the phone and the caller turns out to be one of those repulsive phone/scam sales persons.

Blasted Bloody Stump! … useful when you drop food — that you had just dished up — on the kitchen floor.

May A Hyena Scream In Your Ear! … what to say when that boring do-gooder individual bends your ear with inane conversation. (If the individual looks puzzled and asks, “what?” just repeat the phrase.)

Oh, Fish Fodder! … useful when you catch a digit on a barbed wire barb.

Holy Halitosis … this is a good one. The word, halitosis, sounds like a curse word already. Use at any time.

May Your Sinuses Clog Up ‘Till Your Eyes Bug Out … useful when someone beats you to the parking spot for which you were aiming.

Six And Five Is Eight And Two’s Eleven … this is not original. Have heard “old-timers” use this.

You Maggoty Little Varmint … especially good when the cat throws up on the rug — again.

Kiss My Posterior Aspect … an all-purpose slogan. Particularly satisfying in most any absurd conversation. Always smile when uttering.

As mentioned, feel free to share the above “alternative tidbits” with whomever and wherever you choose. Personally, I’m sending multiple copies to Washington D.C.

If, subsequently, the Powers-That-Be accuse me of employing “fake cusswords” and have me “investigated,” watch this space for a full, hand-written report. ❖