Murder mystery | TheFencePost.com

Murder mystery

Our local Woman’s Club has taken on the task of performing “CAFÉ MURDER.”

This hilarious murder mystery comedy is easy to produce and perfect for either a stage production or dinner theatre. Rosemary Saint-John is a loud, annoying hypochondriac convinced she is allergic to water. Celebrating her birthday at a restaurant with her four kooky sisters — a hippie, a valley girl, a trucker and a banker. There’s also a passionate French chef of the restaurant, a self-taught detective, a waiter and a maître d’.

Rosemary makes enemies with everyone around her. When she disappears and is presumed murdered, the only objective witnesses in the restaurant are the audience members, who must cast their vote. Was it one of Rosemary’s sisters? The self-taught detective? The passionate French chef? The polite and proper maître d’? The sarcastic waiter? No one is above suspicion in this delightful dinner theatre murder mystery!

Sooo, my job was to write an opening and closing song for the show. Rosemary, the hypochondriac character who gets “murdered,” sings the following:

(tune) She’ll be Comin’ Round the Mountain.

I’m not a hypochondriac

(cough, cough)

I’m not a hypochondriac. No, I’m not!

(cough, cough)

I’m not a hypochondriac

I’m not a hypochondriac

I’m not a hypochondriac

No, I’m not!

(cough, cough)

I’ve merely got bad allergies. Yes, I do!

(sniff, sniff)

I’ve merely got bad allergies. Yes, I do!

(sniff, sniff)

I’ve merely got bad allergies

I’ve merely got bad allergies

I’ve merely got bad allergies

Yes, I do!

(Sniff, sniff, cough, cough)

I’m allergic to all water. Yes, I am!

(uck, uck)

I’m allergic to all water. Yes, I am!

(uck, uck)

I’m allergic to all water

I’m allergic to all water

I’m allergic to all water

Yes, I am!

(uck, uck, sniff, sniff, cough, cough)

I take a pill for everything. Yes, I do!

(gulp, gulp)

I take a pill for everything. Yes, I do!

(gulp, gulp)

Oh, I take a pill for everything

I take a pill for everything

I take a pill for everything

Yes, I do!

(gulp, gulp, uck, uck, sniff, sniff, cough, cough,)

When I wear my wool pajamas. How they itch!

(scratch, scratch)

When I wear my wool pajamas. How they itch!

(scratch, scratch)

When I wear my wool pajamas

When I wear my wool pajamas

When I wear my wool pajamas

How they itch!

(scratch, scratch, gulp, gulp, uck, uck, sniff, sniff, cough, cough,)

But, I’m not a hypochondriac. No, I’m not!

(uh, uh)

I’m not a hypochondriac. No, I’m not!

(uh, uh)

I’m not a hypochondriac

I’m not a hypochondriac

I’m not a hypochondriac

No, I’m not!

(uh, uh, scratch, scratch, gulp, gulp, uck, uck, sniff, sniff, cough, cough,)

REFRAIN… SLOWLY….SADLY

I’m not… a… hy…po….chon….dri…ac!

No, I’m not! (She sits. Pouts).

EMCEE then leads audience in warbling the following parody:

Who Murdered Rosemary

(tune) She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain

Who was it murdered Rosemary, do you know?

Who was it murdered Rosemary, do you know?

Who was it murdered Rosemary

Who was it murdered Rosemary

Who was it murdered Rosemary, do you know?

Could it be one of her sisters, could it be?

Could it be one of her sisters, could it be?

Could it be one of her sisters,

Could it be one of her sisters,

Could it be one of her sisters, could it be?

Was it that self-taught detective, was it he?

Was it that self-taught detective, was it he?

Was it that self-taught detective,

Was it that self-taught detective,

Was it that self-taught detective, was it he?

Was it that passionate French chef, ooo, la, la?

Was it that passionate French chef, ooo, la, la?

Was it that passionate French chef,

Was it that passionate French chef,

Was it that passionate French chef, Ooo, la, la?

Was it that sarcastic waiter, what’ll you have?

Was it that sarcastic waiter, what’ll you have?

Was it that sarcastic waiter,

Was it that sarcastic waiter,

Was it that sarcastic waiter, what’ll you have?

Was it that proper a maître d’, so polite?

Was it that proper a maître d’ so polite?

Was it that proper a maître d’,

Was it that proper a maître d’,

Was it that proper a maître d’, so polite?

Who was it murdered Rosemary, do you know?

Who was it murdered Rosemary, do you know?

Who was it murdered Rosemary,

Who was it murdered Rosemary,

Who was it murdered Rosemary, do you know?

Finale — WHOLE CAST GATHERS AND SINGS,

We know who murdered Rosemary, now we know!

We know who murdered Rosemary, now we know!

We know who murdered Rosemary, now we know!

We know who murdered Rosemary.

NOW WE KNOW! ALL POINT AT MURDERER.

I am the nasty murderer, yes, I am!

I am the nasty murderer, yes, I am!

I am the nasty murderer, yes, I am!

I am the nasty murderer!

AND I’M GLAD! ❖



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