What’s funny about old age
Myrtle and Mabel, retired, widowed ranch women, recently joined the Hospitality House Senior Center in town. After spending what seemed like 100 years cooking for the three H’s: HUSBAND, HIRED HANDS, HUNDREDS OF HOLIDAYS DOIN’S, AND COUNTLESS POTLUCKS — Myrtle and Mabel thoroughly enjoy taking advantage of the senior center’s inexpensive meals.
While M & M are sociable, they also enjoy (or suffer from) a love of theater, especially comedy. Which statement explains how it came about that they contrived to put on a vaudeville show titled:
WHAT’S FUNNY ABOUT OLD AGE — WELL JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.
Proceeds to benefit the center.
Here’s one of the “song/act” skits done as a duet by M & M. (Props: canes, armless rocking chairs, newspaper. Myrtle carries a concertina).
Myrtle: Ya know Mabel, old age pretty much sucks.
Mabel: (pretending to read newspaper) “Well, it says here that regular naps prevent old age.”
Myrtle: “Okay, but not while I’m driving.” Concertina and thump cane.
Mabel: “Ya know Myrtle, I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper.”
Myrtle: “Yeah? How’s that?”
Mabel: “The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.” Concertina and thump cane.
Myrtle: “Old age is kinda sad … I mean, I’ve had to dye my hair for the last 40 years.”
Mabel: “It says here (reading newspaper) a Frenchman feller invented a cure for gray hair.
Myrtle: Really? What is it?
Mabel: The guillotine.” Concertina and thump cane.
Mabel: “Well after all, Myrtle, maybe it’s a good thing we’re getting old and a little forgetful.
Myrtle: “Now, why ever’d you say somethin’ like that?!”
Mabel: “Well, sooner or later we’ll be put in a home for the dotty and demented. Heck, how much fun could it be if we’re stuck in a geriatric ward just so’s we could live a few extra years?!” concertina and thump cane.
Myrtle: “When I was in my middle years, I worried about stuff. But now I miss middle age. Back then, I believed I’d feel better in the morning.” Concertina and thump cane.
Mabel: “My Granny was really old. She lived to almost a hundred and she was tough. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.” Concertina and thump cane.
Myrtle: Ya know, Mabel, aging gracefully is the subtle way of saying you’re slowly looking worse. Concertina and thump cane.
Mabel: When you’re old, where should you keep your fire extinguisher?
Myrtle: Close to the candles on your birthday cake. Concertina and thump cane.
Mabel: Myrtle, do you remember your first car?
Myrtle: Yeah, it was a covered wagon. Concertina and thump cane.
Mabel: (sighing) Yeah, and nobody harasses you when you’re old.
Myrtle & Mabel: (climbing to their feet, stepping to stage center, recite in unison):
“Hey, guys! When goin’ out around the town Saturday night harassing … Remember us old gals a-lingerin’ here And give us a squeeze in passing!”
… CURTAIN …
M & M freely admit they stole some of the jokes off the internet, but they don’t care.
Their show was a satisfying success and now. Myrtle and Mabel are considering taking the play on the road to the Governor’s Conference on Aging, senior citizen centers around the country and congress.❖