Yield: My bachelor week | TheFencePost.com

Yield: My bachelor week

I recently spent a bachelor week when ol' Nevah and her sister and bro-in-law took a biz/fun trip to Orlando, Fla., with a stopover in Marietta, Ga., to visit one of the gals' cousin.

I opted out of the trip because five days of mostly traveling doesn't appeal to me any more, plus, I'm not a very good traveling companion these days 'cuz I can't hear worth a hoot.

As it turned out, my decision was a wise one becuz Nevah got food poisoning and got sicker than a poisoned pup and the bro-in-law suffered lower "gastrointestinal distress" from probably the same food source.

Becuz of her illness, Nevah stayed with her cuz until the other pair returned to pick her up.

“Some say I’m nuts to shell beans when they’re so cheap in the store. My defense. I like to eat what I grow.

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As for me, I didn't get to do any fishing, but I did get finished winterizing everything that needed winterizing at Damphewmore Acres. I made a big pot of venison chili to keep me energized. I finally picked and shelled the dry beans and the harvest wuz meek. I did get enuf dried beans shelled for at least one nice mess of ham and beans sometime this winter.

Some say I'm nuts to shell beans when they're so cheap in the store. My defense. I like to eat what I grow.

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In last week's column I reported that the mid-term elections were over. Well, that news wuz premature thanks to good ol' crooked Florida, which has become the national Chicago when it comes to ineptness in running an election and getting an accurate count. My guess they'll end up sorting it out in the courts someway, some day.

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The weather turned to winter in a heartbeat. First we got a hard freeze down to 15 degrees. Then we got 4 inches of snow. That melted. Now, as I write this column, the snow is falling and a winter storm watch is in effect.

I'm not a weatherman, but I have lived through a lot of seasons, and I swear that winter is coming earlier in the fall. The last few years, we've had our worst winter weather during November and December, not January and February. Don't know if it's a permanent change, or just a weather blip.

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The neighbor kids love to hunt ducks and geese on my four-acre pond. So far this fall, they've harvested a good number of duckies and no geese. But, I'll bet this weather pattern will bring the geese into their decoys.

Just for fun, I helped them rebuild a couple of waterfowl blinds.

•••

Two good old dimwitted boys from hay country were driving a truck loaded high with small square bales through the back roads of Missouri when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3."

They got out and measured their rig, which turned out to be 12 feet 4 inches tall. "What do you think?" said the passenger as they climbed back into the cab of the truck.

The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear. "They're always passing laws to mess with us truckers. Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said as he gunned the engine and popped the clutch.

•••

Missouri is to be commended for passing a state law that mandates that "fake meat" — which is any product that doesn't originate with a live farm animal — can't be labeled and sold as meat.

Naturally, the fake meat folks are fighting the law in court.

I hope they lose because common sense and taste buds should rule. After all, who wants to grill and eat a medium rare glob of tofu or algae?

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In this age of genetic engineering and gene splicing, there have been some new developments. A farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel and a rat terrier? He got a hot-diggity-dog!

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Another farmer crossed an owl with a goat? He got a "Hootenanny."

•••

A young farmer and his wife got into a huge fight after which the wife stormed out of the machine shed.

The farmer snidely demanded, "Before you go, where did you leave the tractor?"

Glaring back, his irate wife screamed, "I left it in the Pinched Oxbow field."

The farmer retorted, "But there's no way into the Pinched Oxbow field!"

With a final stomp of her boot, his wife declared, "There is now."

•••

Better find a few words of wisdom to leave you with this week. "Turning vegan would be a big missed steak." "Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America Grate Again." "Cows ate marijuana plants. Steaks have never been higher."

Have a good 'un. ❖