Yield: Odds and ends | TheFencePost.com

Yield: Odds and ends

Well, the midterm elections are over and we peons won't have to listen and see political ads for — actually, probably for at least three months. Then the drum beat for the 2020 election will begin. (Sigh) Sad but true.

We face two years of political gridlock and so I can only hope that my dear ol' dad, Czar E. Yield, wuz correct when he said political gridlock was a good thing because it meant all the Washington Swamp Dwellers wouldn't be passing any new legislation.

As for my thinking? I think America now has more "takers" than "makers."

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Several faithful readers of my columns weighed in with comments about the election. One Missouri reader said, "It looks like real true Americans got ripped again! All I can say is I did my part to keep it from happening. I long for the good ol' days when our lives were better because we didn't have computer phone calls where you can't talk back to the caller, recorded phone messages, dial one for English, cheap appliances that last one day longer than the warranty, crazy TV commercials that last longer than the programs, 100 TV channels and nothing worth watching, ABC. NBC, CBS, CNN are political propaganda machines and reruns, and bigger is always better, but nobody knows why or what for. I need a blood pressure pill."

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Recommended Stories For You

Overheard in the coffee shop: Farmer: "I'm worried. My wife has said for years that when I die she will go the extra mile to give me a proper burial. I finally came to the realization that we live one mile from the cemetery and two miles from the county landfill."

Also overheard at the coffee shop: "I think I sleep like a log, but my wife says I sleep more like a saw mill."

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Same subject. Different ending. A funeral service is held for a rural woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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How to have sadistic fun with a hitch-hiker: A farmer picks up a hitch-hiker. After a few miles, the hitch-hiker asks the farmer if he wasn't afraid that the hitch-hiker was a serial killer.

The farmer turns to the hitch-hiker and replies with a cold grin, "Nope, I figure the odds of two serial killers being in the same pickup is extremely unlikely."

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Dude ranch story: A city couple went to Colorado for a dude ranch experience/vacation. One of the activities was a horseback trail ride. When the dude ranch cowboy wuz outfitting the horses, he asked the wife if she wanted a western or an English saddle.

She replied, "What's the difference?"

The outfitter answered, "The western saddle has a horn and the English saddle doesn't"

The city lady finished the conversation with this: "The one without the horn will be fine. We came on this vacation for the peace and quiet and I don't plan on passing anyone or riding in traffic."

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A harried farm wife during the harvest was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the container so she could flavor up the hot dogs she planned to take to her hubby in the field.

During her struggle to get the ketchup to flow, the phone rang and she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer it.

The youngster did and her mommy heard her say to the neighbor, "Mommy can't come to talk to you on the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle hard."

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A rural minister, ol' Saul M. Reader, walked out the front door of his church and he heard his son and some friends intoning a common prayer. He sneaked a look and saw that his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling a proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the burial.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

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My words of wisdom for this week come from bumper snickers.

Here's the first: "Ever noticed that you never see people fleeing capitalism to seek a better future in a socialist state? Never ever. Not once. Think about that."

Here's the second: From Teddy Roosevelt: "To anger a conservative, lie to him. To anger a liberal, tell him the truth."

Have a good 'un. ❖