Yield: Thanksgiving so good we tried it thrice
This Thanksgiving holiday is shaping up to be one for the record books — which also will probably reshape my already not-so-shapely shape.
Here’s why: I’ve already eaten one fantastic Thanksgiving meal in Oklahoma City. We’re hosting another Thanksgiving meal here at Damphewmore Acres on Thanksgiving Day — with six family members attending. Then, I’ll eat another bountiful Thanksgiving meal on Sunday in Neodesha, Kan., with a bevy of old friends.
I’ll be lucky if I don’t gain at least 5 pounds from all that sumptious eating.
Our granddaughter and hubby hosted the early turkey day meal in Oklahoma City. Eight of our immediate family arrived for the feast and camraderie. We got in plenty of both.
We also watched the football game between my two college alma maters — Bea Wilder U I and Bea Wilder U II. Our family wuz conflicted about the game. In addition to my graduating from both schools, ol’ Nevah has a degree from BWUII. Our two daughters both graduated from BWUI. Our granddaughter and hubby are working on degrees from BWUII. Our grandson and his fiancee are nearing completion of their degrees from BWUI.
So, what did I do? I wore both colors from both schools — purple cap and orange jacket, which turned a few heads in Oklahoma City. How did the game turn out? BWUI won the game, but more important, our family unity remained intact.
My friend Willie Jay from Mt. Vernon, Mo., emailed me that he and his family are planning a traditional low-fat Thanksgiving dinner. He sez everyone eats so much it turns to fat, which eventually settles low into bellies and thighs.
With the Christmas holiday season just around the corner, I got a wonderful piece of parenting advice to pass along.
If your kids or grandkids are misbehaving and getting a little too rambunctious during the time leading up to Christmas Day, here’s what to do to get them back in line.
Wrap a bunch of empty Christmas presents and put the pile under the tree. Have packages labeled with each kid’s name.
Then, when the kid misbehaves the first time, give him/her fair warning not to do it again. If there is a second offense, simply go to the tree, find a present with the kid’s name on it, and throw it into the fireplace or stove and burn it up.
I understand that this action results in 100 percent compliance with good behavior — at least until after Christmas morning.
While on a holiday road trip, an elderly farm couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them and inform her hubby until they had been driving for about 40 minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around on the interstate, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the frazzled wife got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her old geezer of a husband yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”
I’ve a helpful friend from Iowa who overwinters in Arizona. He tells me that he wuz shopping in Scottsdale the other day, when he spied a bumper sticker on a parked car that read “I miss Chicago.”
So, my friend broke the front window, shot out all four tires, added an Illinois political bumper sticker and left a note that read: “Hope this helps.”
Overheard at the coffee shop: “A thief broke into our farmhouse last night. He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.”
“I asked my doctor to lower my sex drive because it’s all in my head these days.”
“Someone asked me why after 60 years of marriage I still call my wife honey, lovie, or dearest. It’s easy. I’ve forgotten her name and I’m afraid to ask.”
“My pharmacist told me, sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing a marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough.”
Lady coffee drinker: “Someone asked me what book helped me most in my life. I said, ‘my husband’s check book.’”
“I went book shopping and asked the clerk, ‘Do you have the book Husband — The Master of the House’ in stock. She laughed and said they did in the fiction and comics section.”
Here’s my closer for the week. Lasting friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriatness and shenanigans. Hope your Thanksgiving day wuz wonderful. ❖