Yield: Tractor versus garage | TheFencePost.com

Yield: Tractor versus garage

I never hesitate to pass along in my column information about the dumb-dumb things that aggie folks do that turn out funny — or somewhat humorous and costly. So, I'd be a real hypocrite if I failed to pass along a humorous and costly dumb-dumb that I perpetuated on myself recently.

We have a huge garage attached to our home at Damphewmore Acres. It has more square footage than the main footprint of our home itself. With such a massive space in the garage, it doubles as a machine shed. At any one time, I store two pickup trucks, one family sedan, a tractor-loader-tiller, a utility vehicle and a riding lawn mower — and still have space for a work bench, a gardening bench, a table and chairs for lounging, storage for all my hunting and fishing gear (except for the boat), and all kinds of wall storage for tools, chains, etc.

Well, the dumb-dumb I pulled is when I was backing the tractor and rig out of the garage to go till some of my garden plots and pull some wooden posts out of a portion of fence I'd been pondering the demise of. Since my hearing is about shot, I keep a set of hearing protection ear muffs on the tractor.

Well, I fired up the tractor and started backing out of the garage at an idle while I fiddled with adjusting the hearing muffs on my head. SCRUNCH! Yep, while not paying attention to what I wuz doing, I backed the corner of the mounted tiller right into the south side of the open garage door.

After I inspected the damage — and called myself a few well-chosen and well-deserved desultory names — I saw that I'd knocked the wall about 2 inches off plumb and smashed the garage door rail to smithereens.

The next day my local carpenter jacked up the wall, knocked the wall back into plumb and re-anchored everything tight. Cost: a very reasonable $75 for a half-hour job. The day after that the local garage door man replaced the garage door rail and adjusted the lift mechanism. Cost: a very reasonable $85 for a half-hour job.

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So, it turns out my dumb-dumb wasn't as costly as I'd anticipated. I didn't damage the siding on our home. And everything is again hunky-dory. I'll add that I'm much more attentive while backing "stuff" out of the garage since the dumb-dumb. But, at my age, and with my attention span, who knows how long my new-found awareness of safety will last.

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And, while I'm on the subject of aggie dumb-dumbs, all I'll say about this one is that my good buddy, Mocephus, wants to buy a smart phone smart enuf to swim back to the dock from the bottom of Lake Kahola.

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I'm getting close to the last lyrics of funny songs that my grandmother Ann taught me that I'll include in my columns. I can think of one more for next week.

According to Wikipedia, this song, "Mairzy Doats," was written the year I wuz born, 1943, thus it was wildly popular during the later stages of World War II and during the 1950s.

"Mairzy Doats" is a novelty song, written and composed by Milton Drake, Al Hoffman, and Jerry Livingston. The song made the pop charts several times, with a version by The Merry Macs reaching No. 1 in March, 1944. The song was also a No. 1 sheet music seller, with sales of more than 450,000 within weeks of release.

The seemingly meaningless lyrics Grandma Ann taught me were hilarious to a farm kid like me, because, it turns out to be a song about agriculture and livestock. Here are the words to "Mairzy Doats:"

"Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey.

A kiddley divey, too, wouldn't you?

If the words sound queer and funny to your ear, a little bit jumbled and jivey.

Then, sing, 'Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy.

A kid'll eat ivy, too, wouldn't you?'"

I'll bet there are at least a few readers who will remember the words to "Mairzy Doats."

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My good buddy from Pratt, Kan., ol' Claude Hopper, came for his first fishing trip a couple of weeks ago to take advantage of a day of warm weather. Good thing he came. We killed the bass and crappie and, to top it off, I caught one of the weirdest bass of all time.

It wuz a lunker that weighed 5.4 pounds. But, friends, it was about all mouth, gills and hump. It's tail tapered off to nuthin' and it's belly was all shrunken up. I think it was an extremely "elderly" bass, so I released it back into the pond to either enjoy it's remaining life in leisure, or, perhaps, it might be dumb enuf for me to catch it again later this year.

The next day turned out to be windy and cold and the fish took cover, too. Fishing wuz a bust, so Claude and I quit early.

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Guess I'll close with a few statistics I found on American causes of deaths in 2016: Abortions, 501,325; Heart disease, 282,038; Cancer, 271,640; Obesity, 140,939; Medical Errors, 115,439; Stroke, 61,104; Accidental, 45,908; Murder by gun, 5,276. Make what you will of them. Have a good 'un.❖