Yield: Windy stories | TheFencePost.com

Yield: Windy stories

Last week, the Good Lord saw fit to provide four days of respite from the heat and humidity and I used that four days to "catch up" on the gardening. Everything is weeded, bedded, caged, mulched and watered. So, I guess I could say that my garden is on "routine maintenance." Too bad, I know already that I'll slack off on maintenance soon and the crabgrass and bindweed will come on strong.

But, we've enjoyed the radish and spinach crop and now I'm waiting on the peas and new potatoes to get ready to eat. It will be a couple of weeks.

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This supposedly happened in a small rural church. I can't verify that it did, but it makes a good story regardless.

Picture this: Everyone in the wedding is all gussied up. The bride is radiant in her wedding gown, as are her attendants. The groom is resplendent in his tuxedo and cummerbund, as are his groomsmen. Moms are seated. Dad's ready to swallow big and march his daughter to the alter and give her away.

The wedding march commences and a little boy who had a major role to play in the wedding started down the aisle with the flower girl. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd, then he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

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As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard

by the time the child reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing by the minister, the child proudly replied, "I was being the Ring Bear."

•••

I mentioned last week that we had a rain that hardly wet the ground, but it wuz accompanied with a wind that broke my 3-inch aluminum flag pole in two. I wuz talking about it at our Old Boar's Breakfast last Wednesday and came away with these goodies about the wind in Kansas:

It was so windy that …

I saw a robin that had tied itself to a tree trunk.

I was driving 70, and bugs were splattering on my back windshield.

It blew the tattoo off my arm

I passed gas going with the wind on my four-wheeler and I smelled it for a mile.

Our local weatherman reported "a noticeable breeze."

A flying crow flew into a light pole like a dart — and stuck there.

It blew the color out of Donald Trump's hair.

The statue in my front yard was squinting.

I thought congress was back in session

A sailboat had to call the airport for permission to land.

And, finally, …. It blew a shadow out of my yard.

Now those are true windy stories.

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The honky-tonk wuz rocking on a Saturday night and everybody seemed to be having a pretty grand time when the bartender let out a yell, "Help! Help!," she pleaded. "Does anyone know CPR? I think someone is having a heart attack."

Without skipping a beat, an old cowboy wobbled to his feet and slurred, "I do!" Then he burped and added, "Hell, actually, I know the whole alphabet!"

•••

A farm wife had a cute little cuddly house dog that she believed wuz getting a chill from the air conditioner.

So, the next time her hubby headed for town, she handed him a $20 bill and instructed him to buy her little dog a jacket. Then she said if he had any money left over after buying the dog jacket, he could buy himself some beer.

When he returned to their farm, you guessed it: It had a case of beer and the box it came in fit the little dog perfectly.

However, the couch is not as comfortable as his former place in bed. That place is being occupied by a warm cuddly dog.

•••

A farmer and his recently hired farmhand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch, too.

The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now, too."

Again, the hired man didn't respond, but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes.

"What are you doing?" the farmer asked.

The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

•••

And I don't write after a column gets this long. So, remember these words of wisdom: If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Stay cool and have a good 'un.