Petersen: Some jokes about country men
Sidekick Savvy is a booklet containing questions and answers about the stuff of country life as experienced by cowboys, cowgirls, ranchers, farmers, ranchwomen, farmwomen and all country kids.
Just so you know, it’s written from the country woman’s perspective—wry-eyed observations about Man Stuff, Woman Stuff, General Stuff and More Stuff.
Here’s part of the section concerning Man Stuff.
Question: How cold does it have to be before a country man will lower the earflaps on his cap?
Answer: Thirty below. Unless the wife is watching, in which case he waits till his earlobes crack.
Question: What do country men (married) call a fun night out?
Answer: Staying home while the wife goes to club, but only if she leaves a casserole in the oven.
Question: What do cowboys find rewarding?
Answer: An eight second spine jarring ride on a wild-eyed bronc in a rodeo arena, especially if it results in bodily damage and applause.
Question: Does a country man know the meaning of the word, “taciturn?”
Answer: He won’t say.
Question: What happens to a country man immediately after he carries his beloved across the threshold on his wedding day?
Answer: That’s the last thing he ever again carries within the house.
Question: What happens to a country man’s eyesight and memory immediately after marriage?
Answer: Whenever he’s indoors, he goes blind and develops serious amnesia. He can’t recognize socks in drawers and needs a map to locate the kitchen stove, which doesn’t help as he’s forgotten what a stove looks like.
Question: How could the country man strengthen his character when he and the wife are out in below-zero temperatures flaking hay to the cattle off the back of a pickup?
Answer: Let the wife drive.
Question: Why do country men collect in groups and lean on the back end of a pickup and stare down into the pickup bed?
Answer: They’re socializing.
Question: Why is it that country men can drive tractors, fix mystery machinery, capture raging critters, but can’t find the on/off switch on the kitchen stove?
Answer: They’re lacking fine-motor skills.
Question: How early in the morning does the light go on in a country kitchen?
Answer: Approximately 4 a.m.
Question: Why so early?
Answer: The rancher or farmer is scared that early-bird passers-by might notice a dark house and think the country man is lazing in bed.
Question: What will a rancher or farmer claim if somebody telephones him before 6 a.m.?
Answer: That he’s been up for hours, done the feeding, milked the cows and hauled wood.
Question: If the caller could see through the telephone line, what would be visible?
Answer: A guy with bare hairy legs, shivering.
Question: Of the following, which would cause a ranchman to contemplate homicide of his mate?
a) She sets the kitchen on fire.
b) She leaves the gate open and the heifers get in with the bull.
c) She burns all the old feed store caps, worn-out boots and frayed-to-gauze chore jackets.
Answer: c). Ranchmen become emotionally attached to their STUFF.❖
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Hudspeth County, Texas — In the fall of 2019, ranch hands were gathering a bull when they noticed something out of place. One of their employer’s cows was freshly branded, with someone else’s brand.