Petersen: This ain’t no sissy bar | TheFencePost.com

Petersen: This ain’t no sissy bar

He was a Young idealist fellow who had the answers to all the world's problems.

He traveled light, burdened only with a backpack. On his way to Yellowstone Park's northern entrance, he trudged along the highway south of Livingston, Mont. He hummed a merry song.

Finding himself a bit thirsty, he stopped for a beverage at The Buckhorn Theater, an old-fashioned saloon where you can quench your thirst, and on scheduled nights, enjoy old-time vaudeville comedy. Young Idealist walked in. He noted the barstools and tables were built from slender logs. Deer, elk, and moose heads stared at him from the walls. The old-time bar had curliques and carvings.

Y.I. was charmed. He shrugged out of his backpack and climbed onto a bar stool.

"What'll you have?" asked the bartender.

"I'd like a Perrier," said Young Idealist.

Recommended Stories For You

"A what?" said the barman.

"A Perrier. It's mineral water from France. It's naturally carbonated."

"You don't say," drawled the barman.

This Ain't No Sissy Bar

In the Buckhorn Theater Bar appeared

a walking stereotype;

A pony-tailed Young Idealist

his attitude was ripe.

He wore dark "shades" and real short pants

and socks to knobby knees.

"What'll ya have," the barman asked,

the Buckhorn aims to please."

"Perrier water," said Young Idealist

"with ice and lemon twist."

The barman stared, plumb taken aback,

then leaned upon his fists.

"This here's a cowtown tavern, Son,

I'll give it to you straight;

I got likker, most all kinds

to cut your thirstful state."

"I got Scamper Juice and Corpse Reviver

to make the dead come back;

I got Tiger Spit and Who-Shot-John

to drop you in your tracks."

"I got Neck Oil, I got Popskull

to make a mule grow horns;

I got Tangle Leg and Knock-'Em-Stiff

to give your eyeballs corns."

"I got Pair-of-Overalls,

Gut Warmer and Ole Touse;

Stagger Soup or Red Disturbance

or Bourbon on the house."

"I got Red Eye, I got Rotgut,

I got Lightning Flash;

I got Tonsil Paint and Dynamite

to turn your brains to hash."

"I got Torchlight Whiskey, Whiskey Ditch

and potent Prairie Dew;

I got Tanglefoot and Blue Ruin

to make your head unscrew."

"I got Indian Whiskey, Pass Whiskey,

Snakehead Whiskey, and

Tonsil Varnish, Tarantula Juice

'n Mormon Valley Tan."

"I got Boilermakers, Mule Kick

and White Mare's milk;

I got Pine Top, Lamp Oil

and Snake Poison Silk."

"I got Weddin' Whiskey, Creepin' Whiskey

and Sheepherder Delight;

I got Phlegm Cutter and Wolf Whistle

to put you on the fight."

"I got Gas Remover, Coffin Varnish,

and Kickapoo Jubilee.

I got Moral 'Suasion 'n Scorpion Bible,

the light you're sure to see."

"I got Tornado Juice and Widow Maker

and Red Dog Whiskey.

I got Firewater 'n Panther Piss

to make survival risky."

"For any thirst, I got the pizen

To brighten up the day,

The Buckhorn don't stock no wimpy drinks,

I ain't got no Perrier!"❖