by Gwen Petersen

Big Timber, Mont.

“Try A Spa For Stress Relief” read the headline of a newspaper article. Then followed three long columns describing eight different “spas” where folks with over-wound nerves can go to nurse their neuroses. A stay at one of these posh outfits starts at a couple hundred dollars per night and skyrockets up to a thousand a day for the snootier joints.

What do you get for these sums? It varies, though each of them offer massages. One lists a “couples massage.” I don’t want to know what that entails, thank you, but offhand I’d guess your partner should be someone you are at least in like with. Maybe melted butter is poured over you, sort of like making lutefisk palatable.

Of course, massages aren’t the only “stress relief benefits” obtained at these “swell-me” resorts. No. You can go horseback riding, you can eat till you bloat on gourmet delectables, you can sign up for “rejuvenating classes” (led by young juvenile hunks who get paid a lot of money to behave as if they like what they’re doing), you can go hiking and biking, and oh, the wonder of it all, you can indulge in “psychologically motivated” courses such as “learning trust via grooming horses.”

And don’t forget “body treatments.” What are body treatments? The article didn’t exactly specify, but at my age I can only be grateful if someone “treats” my body.

By the time I finished reading the article, I realized I’m overlooking a gold mine in my back yard, or at least in the back 40. Only this morning I achieved stress relief when the two steers I was attempting to coax into a pen actually went in! I was so pleased, I missed my footing and fell down in the snow where I received a rejuvenating massage and tender ministrations from the tongue of Sadie the border collie. Her attentions were so stimulating, I became psychologically motivated to shout out some stress-relieving expletives.

About then, Lonesome the 2-year-old colt ambled over to offer his assistance. Now I ask you, how did that equine know I was in dire need of “learning to trust”? It must be one of those “bonding” things. He stood firmly while I hauled my person up his leg till I could stand upright. Then he stepped on my foot. After I yelled, “ouch” and thumped Lonesome so he’d move off my metatarsals, I realized I’d been subjected to a “body treatment.”

“Remote, serene and peaceful” are the words used to describe one of the spas listed in the article. As I stood there with snow continuing to fall softly, quietly and peacefully, I decided I’d best open a Super Special Spiffy Stress Relief Spa. One that utilizes all the above mentioned activities and services.

Here’s the deal. You can come to my place and every morning enjoy “learning to trust” as you feed cows. No charge for the aerobic exercise of pitching hay to bovines and equines or the two mile hike to the pasture. That’s included in the price. Biking is not available till the snow melts.

Psychologically motivated classes include staying ahead of a group of udder-bearing animals wearing horns, a bunch of horses who think they’re puppies and three collies expert in tongue massages.

Sign up soon because space is limited.