Tales from the O-NO Ranch | TheFencePost.com
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Tales from the O-NO Ranch

Mad Jack Hanks
Wellington, Colo.

Well, gentle readers, it’s that time again. The rodeos, big and small, and county fairs have come to town. Most all of them, if not all, will have the carnival rides, the food vendors, fast talkers, flim flam men and women and then there are the folks that walk the midway to see and be seen. Here is my version of what you might encounter on the midway. First off are the smells,. Some things smell good, like cotton candy, barbecue over a mesquite fire and turkey legs. There are smells, like grease from cooking certain foods, grease from the carnival rides that leak, and those things don’t smell all that good. You will hear the screams from little girls on the ferris wheels and the “barking” of the flim flam man at the booths where the flim flam man tries to intimidate the guys with the gals on their arms. Yep, he wants to challenge their manhood so they will step up to the booth and lose their money trying to impress their ladies with their shooting or throwing skills or whatever.

If you will notice, there is always that skinny guy. You know the guy. He’s got his shirt off and his dirty dishwater blond hair is tangled down over his shoulders. He’ll be wearing tattoos that read “born to lose” and other appropriate sayings that fit him to a “T”. There will also be a barbed wire tattoo around each skinny arm. Half of his teeth will be missing, and of course he will be wearing a few body piercings. He won’t be wearing as many, though, as his overweight girlfriend who has just dyed her short hair burnt orange and has butterflies tattooed on her back and some sort of wild vine with flowers growing on it running up and down her chubby legs. She will be loud as she tries to attract attention (as if that was necessary.) Her flip-flops are dirty but her toenails have been painted purple as if to draw attention to her big fat feet.

Then we have the blond with the U-Roll-It straw hat on her head and it has six ribbons and eight bird feathers hanging from the back. She has a beautiful tan, brief halter top exposing most of her chest and her shorts are so short and tight you think she’s going to bust out at any given moment. Her huge sunglasses have rhinestones on them, and she’s a little parrot-mouthed. Her shoes are the sandals with the high cork heels. She also has her share of cute little tattoos and piercings. Her boyfriend tries to look like Billy Ray Cyrus with his long hair, muscle shirt unbuttoned down to his naval and a fake gold chain around his neck. He’s also wearing a pair of snakeskin boots, usually black and white with pointed toes, and his pants are about three inches short.

Yep, that’s what I figure you might run into out on the midway. You also may see some old geezer in Wranglers, short sleeved shirts with a tattoo on his left forearm, a big white mustache, dark glasses, walkin’ shoes, a straw hat on his head, and holding a motorcycle helmet in one hand and a classy redhead in the other. I reckon that would be me.

Thanks for listening. Stay tuned, check yer cinch on occasion and I’ll c. ya.

P.S. One of my sisters has terminal cancer. Her name is June. Those of you who would pray for her in her last days ” I and the rest of the family would appreciate it. Thanks.


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