Tales from the O-NO Ranch: Sorry doc
by “Mad” Jack Hanks
Doc, I’m sorry, I really am, but I never really promised you that I wouldn’t include you in my column again. I realize that it mighta, coulda, sorta sounded that way, but I never really promised you it would never happen again.
Gentle readers, it happened this-a-way: I went in to see my dermatologist for my yearly checkup. You know how I told ya in the past how I’m payin’ for all that time in that hot Texas sun workin’ cows without my sunscreen on. Sissy stuff, ya know. Well, it ain’t and I wish now I had known more about sun damage.
Anyhoo, I’m sittin’ on the little bed and the doc comes in. She greets me and then offers this: “Jack, I understand from my mom that on one of your visits here, I was written up in your column in the Fence Post!”
I sorta gulped and slightly stammered that yep, I had written about the doc, but heck that was years ago and I refreshed her memory about what I had said.
“Doc, I referred to you as my ‘determanologist’: a determanologist is someone who is a skin doctor and with one quick glance can tell if that little spot on my nose or my ear is malignant or not depending on whether I have good insurance or not. If I have good insurance, it’s malignant. Ha, ha,” I laughed.
“Remember doc, then I said that you took a look at my nose after confirming I had insurance and you pulled a plug outta my nose for a biopsy and sure nuff it was malignant!”
She gave me a big smile and said, “Well, let’s have a look and see how you are doing this year. What’s this little spot on your nose? It doesn’t look like a pimple.”
“Oh, that’s just a little red spot that has been there for a couple of months, besides that’s about where I had surgery for the last little spot on my nose,” I offered.
“Jack, I don’t like the looks of this, I’m going to look in your file. Look here at this picture of your nose when you had your last surgery, the surgery was on the other side of your nose, not where this spot is.”
“Are ya sure doc? I could swear that it was on the other side of my nose!”
“Jack, you were looking in a mirror at your nose and that makes you think it was on the other side,” she mused.
“Yep, I guess yer right doc. Are ya gonna have to pull another plug outta my nose to check this one?”
“Yes, I am concerned that you may have another little cancer forming on this side and we need to be sure and not send you out of here without doing the correct procedure.”
“Okay doc, have at it,” sez I.
She gave me a little shot in the nose to kill the pain and gently scraped down into the spot until she was sure that she had enough for a good biopsy.
“You know, Jack, I may have gotten all of the offending tissue and if it turns out to be malignant, you may not have to have surgery at all. We’ll get a good look at our tissue here and let you know in a few days what, if anything, we need to do.”
My doc is really a neat lady. I pick on her a little bit, but I know down deep in my heart that she has my best interest at heart and she is going to do whatever it takes to keep me from having skin cancer. That’s her job and she takes it very seriously.
Besides, I read somewhere that men that have a little scar here and a little scar there and maybe a little divot here and there on their face are considered ruggedly handsome. It appears that I may be on my way to getting more handsome, in a rugged sort of way, as I get older and older.
Sorry doc, I just had to do it, and when I see you next year, if not before, please smile and smile sweetly if yer wielding a knife! By the way, doc, there will be a point where I really won’t care about being all that ruggedly handsome.
Stay tuned and check yer cinch on occasion! C. Ya.