My colleagues and I got into a discussion about cooking the other day and, needless to say, I had nothing to offer.

I’m kind of like a bull in a china shop when it comes to cooking and working in the kitchen.

I’ve never met a knife that didn’t cut me and fires seem to spontaneously erupt when I’m near any appliance that heats food.

I once burned a Styrofoam plate on a stove burner when I turned the wrong knob for the burner I had intended to cook on. Let me tell you, there is nothing smellier or harder to clean off of a burner than Styrofoam. And, the smell lingered for what seemed like years every time that burner was used.

I also started a fire in my toaster oven and just before I was going to douse it with a glass of water, my husband pulled the plug. That could have had a far worse outcome had that appliance been plugged in. I can just see the story in the local newspaper, “Woman electrocuted dousing water on a burning toaster oven.”

I think I inherited my cooking skills from my grandmother. I remember one Thanksgiving when my grandmother was stirring something on the stove with a spoon wrapped in an oven mitt. The oven mitt must have touched a burner and it started on fire. For some reason she didn’t see it and it just kept burning. Then her brother looked over and calmly told her that she was on fire. He didn’t even get up to help put out the fire. I’m guessing that it wasn’t the first time something like that had happened.

Microwaves ovens also aren’t safe when I’m in the kitchen. I once put some tin foil in a microwave. That was exciting and scary at the same time.

So I steer clear of the kitchen and let my husband do the cooking. When I’m in the kitchen he worries and hovers over me if I attempt to cook something. ❖