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Laugh tracks

Milo Yield
Laugh Tracks in the Dust, Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Wow! We’ve had three wonderful late fall days in a row — sunny, gentle breeze, temperatures near 70 degrees. Wish they could last, but tomorrow the forecast is for possible snow and for sure colder weather.

***

Heard about a young farmer who married a twin. When his friends asked the inevitable question, “Well, how do you tell them apart?” the young farmer replies, “Her brother is six inches taller.”



***

Along the same story vein, a bashful high school farm lad picked up his first date. He drove his pickup truck and helped her get in.



Right from the get-go, his date started complaining, “I’m cold. I’m cold. I’m cold!”

Finally, he swallowed the big lump in his throat and let her get into the cab with him.

***

Continuing on the same subject, Sven and Ole were quietly sitting in a warm deer blind for two. They were swapping yarns and spitting tobacco. After their first six pack wuz consumed, Sven suddenly blurts, “I think I’m gonna divorce my wife because she ain’t said a word to me for two months.”

Ole listens, spits, takes a swig of beer and says, “Better think twice, Bro, women like that are hard to find, ya betcha.”

***

How about a Christmas story. What would have happened if there had been three wise women, instead of three wise men, who visited the baby Jesus soon after his birth?

Well, the three wise women would have asked directions and arrived on time to serve as mid-wives; they would have cleaned the stable and applied aerosol air freshener; they would have made a casserole for the shepherds to eat, and they could have brought practical gifts — like diapers.

***

And, another Christmas story: “A little farm girl was watching her parents dress up for her mama’s office Christmas party. She watched her mother put on a nice dress and a holiday scarf. Meanwhile, her farmer daddy struggled into his tight-fitting suit, worked hard at getting the top button on his white dress shirt buttoned, and complained about tying his necktie correctly.

After the daughter observed his preparation, she said, “I don’t know who you even go to the trouble to wear that suit because you know it always gives you a headache when you wake up in the morning.”

***

And, a final Christmas story. A farm wife lost her handbag while shopping at the local farm and home supply store. She retraced her steps to no avail and finally decided her handbag had been stolen.

Her panic was quickly dampened when a cherubic little kid in overalls came running up to her in the parking lot and returned her lost handbag.

The farm wife looked into her purse in the handbag and discovered it contained 20 one-dollar bills, instead of the single $20 she knew was there.

When she commented on the change, the little boy cheerfully replied, “Well, ma’am. Last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have change for a reward.”

***

There are very few things that have happened because of the Covid pandemic that are positive, but I’ve read about a couple of positives — at least from my jaundiced viewpoint.

First, the sale of hunting and fishing licenses across the nation has skyrocketed during the pandemic. That’s wonderful news because it shows folks are getting out into the great Covid-free outdoors and harvesting some fine wild protein to supplement their family diets. A bonus is that many first time license buyers are women.

That increase in hunting and fishing activities will be a boon to wildlife and habitat conservation efforts because every sale of hunting and fishing equipment sends funds to conservation efforts through the long-standing Pittman-Robertson Act. There’s a 11% excise tax on every sale that goes for wildlife and habitat programs. It’s been in effect since 1937.

The second bit of good news happening during the pandemic is that sale of legal firearms has gone up by millions — and many are first-time gun owners and also women — many from the suburbs. The message that sends about protection of life and property is loud and clear. Perhaps it will dissuade an assault on the 2nd Amendment and encourage concentration on more urgent and legal matters.

***

Now, to close with some important philosophical questions on life: Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke? Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters? Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”

And, finally, If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport The Terminal?

Have a good ‘un.


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Milo Yield

Largest US landowner?

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I read an article recently about the largest farmland owners in the U.S. I wuzn’t surprised to discover that the largest farmland owner owned almost a quarter of a million acres. But I wuz surprised…



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