Life is too short
Los Osos, Calif.
Life is too short to…
• worry about stuff that’s probably never going to happen.
• read a bad book or watch a terrible movie just because you paid for it.
• spend your life staring at your iPhone, computer terminal or boob tube.
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• work 40 years at an occupation you hate for bosses that are dumber than a dead battery.
• ride rank horses or put up with crazy cows.
• listen to fake news or eat fake meat.
• commute two hours each way every day to work.
• watch fireworks on TV. Go see the real thing.
• roll your own smokes.
• listen to rap music.
• feel guilty about what our ancestors did to the slaves and Indians. You didn’t do it.
• loan money to any of the three F’s; friends, family or fools.
• get drunk every night and wake with a monster headache every morning.
• stay tethered to the home place your entire life. There’s a big world out there… go see it.
• marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.
• worry about the number of Facebook friends you have, Instagram followers or YouTube subscribers.
• shave every day.
• fish in a dry hole or hunt deer without a tag.
• brag about your ancient ancestors incessantly. You should be far more concerned about how your kids will turn out.
• wear tight fitting jeans or loose fitting boots.
• wait on the government to do the right thing.
• live in fear of germs, dirt, dentists, chiggers, fire ants or a little cow manure.
• argue. Who says you have to attend every feud you’re invited to?
• spend the holidays by yourself. Go volunteer at a soup kitchen.
• hang around with losers.
• worry about what percentile your baby is in.
• keep marrying the wrong type of person just because you get little lonely. Get a dog instead. You can still feed it out of a can, they’re much cleaner and they don’t talk back.
• play golf or poker with a cheat, or ever bet against the house. Lotteries are for suckers.
• idolize film or TV stars or put athletes on a pedestal just because they can throw a football or dunk a basketball. There’s a very good chance they aren’t who you think they are.
• continue to stay on hold while waiting for them to “be with you shortly.”
• pay dues to your enemy.
• pile the family into your Smart Car and take off on a family vacation from coast to coast stopping every 58 miles to recharge for 21/2 hours. (up to 21 hours if you’re plugged into 120 volts.) And good luck finding a charging station in Pie Town, Dunmovin’ or in places the trains only stop if they hit a cow.
• play video games or get in a Twitter war with someone you’ll never know.
• worry about the rights of beets, cooked carrots, tubers, tofu or rutabagas.
• use inferior tools made in China.
• argue with your spouse and then be shunned for the following week.
• stay in bed until noon every day.
• own a horse you can’t catch.
• worry about how old you are. (You can’t do a thing about it… except die.) ❖
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