Life is too short |

Life is too short

It’s the Pitts
Lee Pitts
Los Osos, Calif.

Life is too short to…

• worry about stuff that’s probably never going to happen.

• read a bad book or watch a terrible movie just because you paid for it.

• spend your life staring at your iPhone, computer terminal or boob tube.

• work 40 years at an occupation you hate for bosses that are dumber than a dead battery.

• ride rank horses or put up with crazy cows.

• listen to fake news or eat fake meat.

• commute two hours each way every day to work.

• watch fireworks on TV. Go see the real thing.

• roll your own smokes.

• listen to rap music.

• feel guilty about what our ancestors did to the slaves and Indians. You didn’t do it.

• loan money to any of the three F’s; friends, family or fools.

• get drunk every night and wake with a monster headache every morning.

• stay tethered to the home place your entire life. There’s a big world out there… go see it.

• marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper.

• worry about the number of Facebook friends you have, Instagram followers or YouTube subscribers.

• shave every day.

• fish in a dry hole or hunt deer without a tag.

• brag about your ancient ancestors incessantly. You should be far more concerned about how your kids will turn out.

• wear tight fitting jeans or loose fitting boots.

• wait on the government to do the right thing.

• live in fear of germs, dirt, dentists, chiggers, fire ants or a little cow manure.

• argue. Who says you have to attend every feud you’re invited to?

• spend the holidays by yourself. Go volunteer at a soup kitchen.

• hang around with losers.

• worry about what percentile your baby is in.

• keep marrying the wrong type of person just because you get little lonely. Get a dog instead. You can still feed it out of a can, they’re much cleaner and they don’t talk back.

• play golf or poker with a cheat, or ever bet against the house. Lotteries are for suckers.

• idolize film or TV stars or put athletes on a pedestal just because they can throw a football or dunk a basketball. There’s a very good chance they aren’t who you think they are.

• continue to stay on hold while waiting for them to “be with you shortly.”

• pay dues to your enemy.

• pile the family into your Smart Car and take off on a family vacation from coast to coast stopping every 58 miles to recharge for 21/2 hours. (up to 21 hours if you’re plugged into 120 volts.) And good luck finding a charging station in Pie Town, Dunmovin’ or in places the trains only stop if they hit a cow.

• play video games or get in a Twitter war with someone you’ll never know.

• worry about the rights of beets, cooked carrots, tubers, tofu or rutabagas.

• use inferior tools made in China.

• argue with your spouse and then be shunned for the following week.

• stay in bed until noon every day.

• own a horse you can’t catch.

• worry about how old you are. (You can’t do a thing about it… except die.) ❖

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Lee Pitts

Make-believe land


“As your guide I’d like to welcome you on this tour of make-believe authoritarian figures. Please keep your hands and heads inside the bus as danger lurks around every curve.”

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