Merry COVID Christmas |

Merry COVID Christmas

It’s the Pitts
Lee Pitts
Los Osos, Calif.

When the COVID pandemic first hit I didn’t think it would last long, after all, it was made in China. But here it is almost Christmas and I’m still living like a dog… all day long I wander around the house looking for food, my wife has to keep telling me, “Down boy,” and I get all excited about going for a ride in the truck. This Christmas I don’t want another stimulus check from our bankrupt government or another lecture by Dr. Fauci about washing my hands. Here is a list of what I DO WANT this COVD Christmas:

• In my stocking I want to find a lifetime supply of N95 masks and little bottles of Purell.

• I’d like to go outside again.

• I desperately need a year’s supply of toilet paper, the good stuff not the paper that’s so thin you can see through it.

• If it’s not too much to ask I’d like a haircut by a real barber.

• For once I’d like to be able to cough in public without being treated as if I’m a leper.

• I want all the kids to go back to school so they can suffer like I had to.

• I’d like permission to be able to touch my face again.

• I’d like to be able to shop in real stores without having to buy everything from Amazon thus making Jeff Bezos the world’s first trillionaire.

• I’m wishing I never have to hear the following words ever again: quarantine, PPE, Wuhan, pandemic, and most of all, “We’re all in this together.” The only time I want to hear the words self i-so-late is if I’m running a few minutes behind schedule.

• I’d like to be able to go to a car show, an estate sale, a cattle show at the county fair, a community library sale, or a country-western concert without sitting 6 feet away from my wife.

• I’d like to feel safe when I take a free pen from the bank. After all, it’s the only way I have of getting more than a .05% return on my savings.

• All this stress is causing me to snack too much all day at home. It’s gotten so bad that the buttons on my shirt are social distancing themselves. That’s why I just want oversize hoodies without buttons for Christmas.

• I’d really like to shake someone’s hand again, maybe even hug them, instead of cracking knuckles or all this ridiculous rubbing elbows.

• If it’s not too much to ask for this Christmas I’d like to be able to go into the grocery store without having to worry if some super-spreader had his hands all over the cans of Campbell’s double noodle soup.

• I’m tired of standing in line and having people I don’t know breathe down my neck. So this Christmas I’d like for someone to give me a 12 foot, two by four that I could attach to my belt buckle so I could swing it in a complete circle thus assuring that everyone is keeping at least 6 feet away. If they aren’t, I’ll make them pay with a good thwack to their mid-section.

• I really wish that the pregnant emergency room nurse I met at the hospital remains healthy and that her baby is okay. Oh, I almost forgot, I hope Chris gets his job back at Olive Garden.

• I’d like for people to stop aiming those temperature guns at my forehead. One of these days someone’s going to point one at a cop and he’ll return fire.

• In 2021 I’d like to be able to consider myself an “essential worker.”

• Please, I’d like a “China free” Christmas this year. If you can’t find anything that was made in the good old U.S.A. just send me the cash instead. So far, I think it’s still printed in America.

• I’d like to never have to wear a face mask ever again.

• The only time I want to hear the words “Corona task force” is if it’s in reference to six people drinking Mexican beer with a lime in it.

• The main thing I want this year for Christmas is a COVID 19 vaccine. ❖

Start a dialogue, stay on topic and be civil.
If you don't follow the rules, your comment may be deleted.

User Legend: iconModerator iconTrusted User

Lee Pitts

Two-faced frauds


We’ve become a nation of pompous two-faced frauds. We like to eat good food but hate the farmers and ranchers who produced it. We think food comes from the grocery store and that water comes…

See more