Medicare senior health questionnare
And then there’s the story of Elsie and Ed, a retired ranching couple who, after they turned over operation of the ranch to their offspring, contemplated life from a dotage perspective.
“Heck,” Ed said, “we don’t have much to do anymore but sit around.”
“Well, now Ed,” Elsie said. “That’s not a very positive attitude. We should be planning something exciting and interesting to fill up our golden years.”
“Like what?” Ed asked. “I got arthritis and you got a bad knee. What should we take up? Speed-walking? Surfing in California? How about sky-diving? If President Ford could jump out of an airplane in his old age, maybe we should give it a try.”
“Now, Ed,” Elsie replied, “there’s lots we can do. I looked up health care for senior citizen’s under medicare. They put out a whole questionnaire and I answered all the questions.”
“Oh, boy,” Ed said. “I know you. What were your answers?”
…Medicare Senior Health Questionnaire…
As truthfully answered by ranchwoman, Elsie the Elderly.
Question: Are you planning major surgery in the next 12 months?
Elsie: No, I have tickets to a male strip club. After that, maybe.
Question: How many medicines do you take regularly?
Elsie: Counting peach brandy?
Question: In the past 12 months, have you fallen?
Elsie: Yes, off the haystack, but not on purpose.
Question: Do you have trouble with any of the following:
Trouble using the toilet?
Elsie: Not if I get there quick enough.
Trouble with bathing?
Elsie: Only if I’ve lost my rubber ducky.
Trouble with dressing?
Elsie: It’s my specialty. I make dressing with dry bread cubes, sage, onion, garlic and mix in a wee bit of chicken broth and stuff it all inside the bird. Ed claims it’s delicious.
Trouble with eating?
Elsie: Not if you’re buying.
Trouble with getting in/out of bed or chairs?
Elsie: Only if the phone rings while I’m taking a nap. So, I take the phone off the hook before I hit the nap couch.
Trouble with walking?
Elsie: I’ve given up clog dancing.
Trouble with transportation?
Elsie: Which kind? Car, pickup, tractor, 4-wheeler, horse, bus, train, sled dog, rowboat, canoe, raft or shank’s mare?
Trouble taking medications?
Elsie: Peach brandy is pretty good for aches and pains. No trouble taking it.
Trouble with preparing meals?
Elsie: Me and Ed go out for pizza a lot.
Trouble with shopping and errands?
Elsie: Only if the wind is blowing.
Trouble with housekeeping chores?
Elsie: I quit housekeeping. The pay was lousy.
Trouble with using the telephone?
Elsie: Sometimes I smack the cat with it.
Question: Do you have heart disease and if so, what kind?
Elsie: Sometimes I lie down and haven’t the heart to get up.
Question: Are you being treated for any of the following: memory loss, arthritis, urinary problems, breathing problems, stroke, high blood pressure, cancer, circulation problems, stomach/bowel problems, recent hip fracture, Parkinson’s disease, mental problems, ankle/leg swelling, hearing loss, congestive heart failure — or other?
Elsie: This questionnaire is making me downright depressed. Time for peach brandy.
Question: Do you live alone or with others?
Elsie: With others. Two cats, one dog, five miniature horses, several uninvited varmints and Ed.
Question: Are you “basically satisfied” with your life?
Elsie: I was till I answered the questions in this questionnaire. I hope there’s some peach brandy left.
Question: Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?
Elsie: Not a durned thing, but thanks for asking. Me and Ed are going out for pizza.
There was an old lady with flair
Who answered a health questionnaire
The questions ridiculous
Were also ludicrous
And her answers were plumb debonair
When Elsie married Ed
Here is what she said,
“For better or worse
I’ll put you first
Till one of us is dead.”
So, Ed, to Elsie said,
“The day that we were wed
I knew in my heart
We’d never part
We’re perfectly, perfectly paired.”❖
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