Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 11-12-12
In this hustle-bustle world we’re living in these days, I’ve found out one truism, even for a retiree. It’s this: “The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.”
And, I’ve got a good friend, ol’ Ken Moore Loder, who proved last week that my truism is true for him, too.
Here’s the story. Ken had a cattlemen’s meeting to attend and in the days leading up to his departure, he’d been busy with soybean harvest, selling cattle and a plethora of other fall jobs.
So, Ken discovers on the evening before he’s to leave for his meeting that he needs a clean pair of overalls to wear so he could travel in comfort. As it turns out, the laundry-doer at his home wuz unavailable, so Ken took it upon himself to wash his newest pair of overalls. He loaded them in the ol‘ Sears washing machine and turned it on.
Then, as an afterthought, Ken decided he might as well get more for his washing effort and grabbed another pair of overalls out of the hamper and added them to his load.
All went well. He washed and dried both pairs of overalls. However, while he wuz packing for his trip, Ken looked for his checkbook and could find it nowhere. Then, with a sinking feeling in his gut, he checked the front pocket of his freshly-washed overalls and discovered a soggy mess of a checkbook.
Irritated at himself for hurrying, he nevertheless knew he had a backup checkbook to take on his trip. So-o-o-o, he began looking for his second checkbook. It wuz nowhere to be found. Then, with an even deeper sinking feeling in his gut, Ken checked the front pocket of his second pair of freshly-washed overalls.
Yep, you guessed it. In that pocket he found his other checkbook, just as wet and soggy as the first. In his hurry, he’d washed them both and now he was more “behinder” than before.
I only hope he had a new book of checks for his trip or that his credit card still worked.
Here’s a cute “hurrying” story about my lay-minister friend, ol’ Saul M. Reader. Mrs. Reader and Saul were running late for church, but in the last minute before they left, she plopped a nice beef roast in the gas oven. She wuz sure church would be out in plenty of time for her to get home before the roast overcooked.
However, Saul had neglected to tell his good wife that he wouldn’t be preaching the sermon that morning becuz the church had invited a famous guest minister to preach.
Well, they arrived at a packed church and there was only a single seat in the front pew, right in front of the pulpit, and a single seat in the back pew. Becuz he had to introduce the famous minister, Saul took the front seat and his missus took the one at the back of the church.
Everything would have worked out well except for one thing: the guest minister wuz full of himself that morning and he preached and preached and preached. It reached the point where Mrs. Reader wuz seriously concerned about her roast not only overcooking, but actually burning and catching her kitchen on fire.
So, she discretely wrote a note to her husband and handed it to an usher standing beside her and asked him to deliver it up front and hand it to the regular minister.
Unfortunately, the usher misunderstood and handed the note to the guest minister, who read it, got red in the face, stopped his sermon on the spot and sat down glaring at the confused congregation.
After the abruptly-ended service, Saul rushed to the guest minister’s side and inquired why he’d ended the service so awkwardly.
The guest minister replied, “Because I got a hate note from a member of your congregation.”
“Oh, really,” Saul answered. “I find that hard to believe. What did the note say?”
The guest replied, “It read, please go home right now and shut off the gas.”
Like I said, hurrying only gets a person in trouble.
Since this column has been about hurrying, it’s appropriate to end it with a few words of wisdom about that subject. Famous UCLA basketball coach John Wooden once said: “When you hurry, you’re more apt to make mistakes. But you have to be quick. If you’re not quick, you can’t get things done.”
And famous writer Robert Louis Stevenson said: “He who sows hurry reaps indigestion.”
And, finally, Matthew Arnold wrote: “Journalism is literature in a hurry.”
So, relax. Don’t hurry. Enjoy yourself and have a good ’un. ❖
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So two weeks ago the president told us that the greatest threat to the United States is systemic racism. Last week he told the Europeans that the greatest threat to the U.S. is climate change.