Milo Yield: Laugh Tracks in the Dust 9-17-12
About once a week I get a thick, four-color catalog from one or both of America’s premier outdoor outfitters. You know their names. And, I always enjoy thumbing through them to see what new “outdoorsy stuff” they have for sale. And, I always find something that I don’t need, but would like to have, and seldom buy it. But, I always dream about my good ol’ days afield and wish I had half the stamina and energy that I had back then.
Which brings me to the main topic of this column. Last week I got the Fall Master Catalog from the self-proclaimed “world’s foremost outfitter,” and I began my ritual perusing of its contents. Let me say, the flowery prose used to describe the contents has to be ad copy writers’ utopia. Their words create vivid imaginations of great experiences that might happen out communing with Mother Nature.
I wuz well into the hunting clothing when it dawned on me, “how in the world did my friends and me successfully hunt and fish when we were young and all we had for outdoors clothing wuz a pair of Key overalls or a pair of Levi jeans, a nondescript flannel shirt, a denim jacket and one or two pair of thin socks in a pair of equally thin rubber gum boots?”
In today’s outdoors experience you simply have to be outfitted with all kinds of trademarked outdoor gear. Every page of my catalog wuz filled with stuff with intoxicating names, every one of them trademarked.
Let me flip open pages at random and you’ll see what I’m talking about. On page 47, I can buy “Predator” camo series sweatshirts, pants, vests and caps. On page 15, I’m enticed to buy some “Silent Suede” Extreme Parka and Coveralls. On the opposing page, by reading the text, I can’t possibly go afield without donning the “MT050 Extreme-Weather Gore-Tex 7-in-1” cold weather coveralls.
Then on page 31, I find the “New Diamantina” Merino Wool Jacket. And, on page 30, I couldn’t possibly sit in my blind waiting for a deer to pass by without wearing my “Proven Scent-Control” clothing with “Cold Fusion” Technology.
Flipping over to the headgear on page 117, I find the “Polartec Power Stretch” series of headgear. On page 143 in footwear, I’ll be in a sorry state of affairs if I go bird hunting and I’m not wearing a pair of “Perfekt Boots” with the Perfekt Footbed or the “Roughneck S.A.W. Work Hikers.”
On page 208, I’ll do a much better job of keeping my favorite beverages hot or cold with an “Optimax Cooler.” And, on page 244 and 245, if I need a spare windshield for my ATV during my upcoming weeklong trip into the Colorado Rockies, I’d better have an extra “Trail Tamer” ATV windshield with me just in case. And, if I were going hunting, I’d better have a pair of “Rhino Grips” to hold my firearm securely in place.
But, if I just want to go plinking with a BB gun or pellet gun, I find offered on page 261 a “Bull Whisperer Extreme” and the “Steel Storm” BB gun. And, for skinning any game I might kill, I’d better get a “Haley Heath Ergo Hunter” knife and the “PakLite Field Master Kit.” They’re on page 287.
However, my favorite trademarked new item is on page 307. It’s the “Butt Out 2-Tool.” Let me share the excitement with you of how this clever device makes field dressing a deer, antelope or elk much easier: “… it makes the unpleasant chore of field dressing big game simple. This ingenious tool is the fastest, easiest way to disconnect the anal alimentary canal … immediately after harvesting game, insert the Butt Out into the anal canal and twist until it grabs the membrane. Continue twisting another half-turn, then steadily pull the Butt Out out of the canal. Extract 10-inches of membrane, tie the membrane and cut. It’s time saving and easy to use.” I’ll bet!
Of course, for my concealment outdoors, I’ll need the “ Brush Lock and Snow Support” system for my blind and I’ll be comfy sitting on my “Primos QS3 Magnum Tri-stool,” found on page 364. And, I’d be wise to carry all my miscellaneous stuff in a “Tailhook” or a “Gunrunner Pack” backboard.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to become a Philadelphia lawyer to interpret and understand all the stuff I could buy in an outdoors catalog. Or, I can continue to do as I’ve always done. When I want to go hunting or fishing, I still slip into a pair of overalls, either denim or brown, whatever shirt or sweatshirt is clean, pull on some over-the-calf socks and slip into my uninsulated gum boots and I’m ready to go … pretty much like I did back in the good ol’ days of my youth.
And, wearing just that kind of gear, on the opening day of the dove season my grandson, Noah, neighbor kid, Salvy, friends Rollin Birdz and his son Kilsom, harvested 44 doves. Two days later we went to the same spot and killed two. That’s the nature of dove hunting … here today, gone tomorrow.
Well, it’s time for me to be gone from this column, so I’ll close with some words of wisdom from the recently departed Andy Rooney of CBS news about hunting. He said, “Vegetarian: that’s an old Indian word meaning ‘lousy hunter.’”
I’m gone to hunt for a fresh tomato.
Have a good ’un. ❖
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