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Christmas humor

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Well, hopefully, you’re still full of holiday cheer and ready to enjoy a bit of Christmas humor.

Since Santa Claus is an animal husbandman, after all he keeps a sleigh’s worth of reindeer hale and hearty all year long, it goes to reason that he’d be a good farmer or rancher if given the chance.

Here’s a few reasons why Santa would make a good farmer:

1. Clearly, he likes and is good with livestock.

2. He knows how to get by with the same equipment year after year, so he must be handy with a pocket knife, pliers, duct tape and baling wire.

3. Cold weather doesn’t faze him, so winter chores are no problem.

4. He likes kids and honest people — not so much for grumpy folks.

5. He likes to eat and could stand to lose a few pounds.

6. He can maneuver his equipment in and out of tight spots, and he’s never been known to get stuck.

7. When the pressure is on, he can cover a lot of ground in not much time.

8. He works all year and, essentially, gives all his production away to take care of the world’s needs.

9. His wife is a handy crafts person.

10. He won’t admit it, but he has a soft spot in his heart for Rudolf.

• • •

A down-on-his-luck farmer, ol’ Scrapen D. Bottom, got distraught looking at all the new tractor ads and realizing he wuz never going to be financially able to buy one.

So, he decided to give himself a new tractor for the holidays. So, first he took the frame from a John Deere, Then he took the engine from a Caterpillar and the cab from a Case-IH, the wheels from an AGCO, and the hydraulics from a Kubota.

He put ‘em all together and do you know what he got? Two years in the state penitentiary.

• • •

I heard about this story from the High Plains country. This cowboy wuz sitting at the bar one evening during the holiday season, knocking back a few of his favorite beverages, when out of the night and off the street comes this frazzled looking aggie type. First thing he does is yell loudly, “I wish I had one child to buy gifts for this Christmas!”

From the looks of the feller, he might need some consolation, so the cowboy arose from his bar stool and sat down next to the newcomer. He said, “I couldn’t help but hear you say you wished you just had a child to buy gifts for this Christmas. I understand how you might be lonely for a needy child during the holidays. I’m not one to give advice, but you might not feel so lonely and frazzled if you went ahead and gave a gift to an orphaned child.”

The newcomer gave the cowboy a crazed look and bellowed, “Lonely? I’m not lonely and I am frazzled. Buddy, I’ve got eight kids to buy gifts for, not one.”

• • •

It’s been quite a spell since I reported on my ol’ buddy, A. C. Doocey, from Asbury, Mo. You’ll recall A. C. has a bit of an imbibing problem.

A few weeks ago, along about quitting time, A. C. wuz creeping his way home from Joplin when he got pulled over by the deputy sheriff. The two have a long history of tickets and fines.

Well, this traffic stop wuz for driving too slow and impeding traffic. “Indignantly, ol’ A.C. waved the new ticket in the deputy’s face and said, “And, just what do you expect me to do with this ticket?”

The deputy took a deep breath, and knowing A.C. quite well by sight and reputation, replied with a grin, “Just keep it A.C. When you accumulate three, you get a bicycle.

Hummm. Maybe that’s a good thing to keep in the back of your mind on your way home from your New Year’s Eve celebration.

• • •

It’s the football bowl season, so I might as well throw in a football bowl story. A wealthy old cowboy had been a football fan all his life. He graduated from my alma mater, Bea Wilder U. But he had a son who graduated from Oklahoma State University. His daughter graduated from Kansas State University.

However, the old gentleman’s health wuz so poor that he could go to neither of his kids’ bowl games. But, he still had his sense of humor.

He recently told his kids after the family had eaten its Thanksgiving Dinner, “Do you know how my current declining health and your future financial condition are like football?”

When his family members said they didn’t know the connection, he smiled broadly and said, “No one can receive until I kick off.”

• • •

Words of wisdom for the week: For the rest of the holiday season, lay off the candy and salads. Have yourself a big ol’ medium rare steak or pork chop. You didn’t fight your way to the top of the food chain just to be a vegan, did you?”

Have a good ‘un. ❖


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