Coronavirus churns up black humor | TheFencePost.com

Coronavirus churns up black humor

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Well, the coronavirus (CV) pandemic has gotten so serious that it’s time to share some of the black-humor going around about it.

For some reason, mankind got into its head that plain old toilet paper is the main item to be hoarded during the CV crisis. To me that seems irrational because lots of things can substitute for toilet paper, if need be.

As a child growing up on a family farm, we had only an outdoor two-hole privy about 50 steps from our backdoor. There was never a roll of toilet paper in that always-smelly, and sometimes sweating-hot or ice-cold little shanty. There was a big thick Sears and Roebuck or Montgomery Ward catalog that everyone tore a page out of when necessity arose.

But, if you didn’t like using slick catalog paper in the two-holer, you had an option: pick out your favorite corn cob for the job from a gallon bucket of them. A cob did the job, but anyone would say it was rougher than catalog paper.

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That brings me to share the “TP” humor that I’ve seen, heard, or received in my email box. Probably my favorite was a video of a rugged looking guy holding a gun safe key in front of his massive gun safe. He unlocks his gun safe, then carefully removes all his rifles, shotguns and pistols and puts them on the nearby bed, and then he places two plastic bales of TP in the gun safe and locks it up securely.

Another video is of another rough looking character standing on a street corner in an upscale part of town. He’s wearing a baggy, leather jacket. Then, a car drives up and the driver lowers his window and whispers, “How much?” The guy on the corner looks around suspiciously, then says “Five bucks.” The car guy slips $10 to the guy outside and that guy reaches into his baggy jacket and pulls out two rolls of TP for the guy in the car, then tells him to “get the hell out of here.”

And, I got an email featuring movie star Clint Eastwood. Clint is saying: “Some folks are refusing to shake hands because of the coronavirus. I’m refusing to shake hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.”

In Las Vegas, “Sin City,” the high stakes poker players are using rolls of TP instead of chips.

I got a picture of a cloth lawn chair with the bottom cut out of it and a lawn sprinkler hooked to a hose under it. It’s for when you run out of TP in warm weather.

For wrinkled old people out of TP, it’s suggested they buy dryer sheets for the purpose. They’ll smell better and their skin will be wrinkle free.

If you’re staying at home as advised by the experts, you may need a drink to relax from the stress. The liquor industry came to the rescue with a new drink — The Quarantini. It’s just a regular martini only twice as stout.

It’s advised for men to wash their hands as hard and thoroughly to get rid of the CV as they would lipstick on their necks.

For folks who are worried about not being able to buy hand sanitizer because of hoarding, relax. Just buy a bottle of Tabasco sauce and occasionally wash your hands with Tabasco. Guaranteed to keep you from putting your hands to your face — at least a second time.

•••

As for the Yield family and its TP supply, ol’ Nevah has been on my case for a couple of years to go through all my clothes and throw away the threadbare and holey garments, plus the closet full of clothes that I’ve “outgrown” in my “waisty” maturity.

So, I told her that rather than hoarding TP, if it wuz ever unavailable to purchase in the local stores that I’d get a pair of scissors and begin cutting up my wardrobe into convenient TP squares.

That basically means, we’re set for life with a reliable TP supply.

•••

I got a little disgusted at all the college kids partying on the beaches of Florida and south Texas while being urged by the health professionals to be responsible and stay home and social distance.

Then I reminded myself to remember just how socially irresponsible I wuz when I attended my two colleges — Bea Wilder U I and II — 60 years ago. As I recall, I was positive I knew all the answers and wuz invinceable to all dangers.

It took at least 40 years of livin’ and learnin’ and experiencin’ before I realized just how little I knew about anything.

And, about the only thing I think I know about the global CV epidemic is that it, too, will pass someday. However, if Mother Nature decides it’s time to “cull the flock,” the flock will be culled, regardless of what we puny humans do.

Eventually, there will be vaccines and treatments for CV. All survivors will benefit and then it’s wait for the next global crisis, which is most certainly around the corner and we can’t see it coming any better than we saw the CV crisis.

•••

As I stay home as much as possible, without sports to watch on TV, I’m watching some of the oldies and goodies from TV-land — the old Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Cheers, All in the Family, Seinfeld. Plus, I’m reading a memoir of President and General Ulysses S. Grant. It’s good stuff if you like history.

•••

Time for words of wisdom. Faith is the decision to hope when it seems impossible. So, keep your hopes up, your spirits up and have a good ‘un. ❖


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