Ever had your eyeballs polished?

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Many readers will read this column on April Fool’s Day. If you can safely fool somebody on this day, have at it. However, don’t fool around and get the coronavirus.

For myself, on April Fool’s Day, I’m hosting a Quarantine Party … and, yes, you are NOT invited to attend. 😉


Have you ever heard of having your “eye-balls polished.” I certainly hadn’t heard of such a thing until the procedure wuz done on my own eye-balls by my eye physician, ol’ Dr. Keene V. Ishon.

As background, in December I had Doc K do cataract surgery on both my eyes. The results were disappointing to me, but ol’ Nevah and I went on for our 60 days in Arizona. All during that time, my vision in both eyes was sort of milky or foggy part of the time and fuzzy part of the time. It got to the point that I couldn’t read very well at all with my left eye.

Well, the first check-up appointment I could make with Doc K after we returned to the Flint Hills wuz yesterday. After I complained about my poor post-cataract sight, Doc peeked inside my eyes and said, “I just need to polish your eye-balls.” And, after dilating my pupils, he proceeded to “polish” my eyeballs with a laser beam. It didn’t hurt and took only a few minutes.

With my eyes dilated, I couldn’t see anything in focus, so when I got home I took a two-hour nap. When I woke up and sat up, “Voila,” a near miracle. I could see better and more clearly than I have been able to do in several years. My vision is still not perfect in my left eye but it’s improved.

I have no idea how Doc K “polished” my eye-balls, with a laser beam, and I don’t care. It worked and for that I’m thankful.


I’m sad to report that ol’ Kumsee Mytrick, the race horse I have a 10% racing interest in, failed again to get in the money in his second lifetime race — this time at Oaklawn Park in Hot Springs, Ark. In fact, he finished last again in the 5-1/2 furlong race. I think we’re gonna try to give him one more chance at Oaklawn in a longer race.

If ol’ Trick doesn’t do any better in that race than he has in his first two, I’m gonna propose we rename him “Tank.” That’s short for tankage.


Although there’s absolutely nuthin’ funny about the global and national CV pandemic, it still hasn’t kept the punsters and wagsters from creating funny sayings, pictures and stories about it. Most are funny, but a few are not only funny, but too risqué for repeating.


A kindly reader from central Kansas, ol’ Dee D. Downer, read my last column about toilet paper and was wuz prompted to respond, thusly: “Just read your column and enjoyed it much. I remember the old outhouses well. The first was just a one-holer. Dad later bought the Windom school’s old two-holer. There was a boy’s side and a girl’s side. Hated that place. You’re right about the smell in the summer, especially. That, plus the darned hornets building their paper nest just under the seat.

“The winters were really miserable. I had a metal bucket that I would tear out a few pages of an old catalog and light it — making a little fire to warm the privy before I sat down. The little warmth sure felt good. Dad always got on me, saying ‘you’re gonna burn that place down.’

“Catalogs were rough. Corncobs I never used, but I remember someone saying, ‘Use a red one, then a white one to see if you need another red one.’”

That reminds me of an old joke. New slick-sided toilet paper was called John Wayne. It was tough and didn’t take any crap off anybody.”


I saw a sign in a closed store that read: “Dear Shoppers: Due to the recent outbreak of stupidity and panic-purchasing by complete idiots, the nation is currently experiencing a shortage of toilet paper and common sense. Expect supplies to be replenished once these sheep-minded morons have all starved to death in their homes, surrounded by toilet paper, without anything to eat.”


My old friend and fellow column-writer, Baxter Black, has made a video of how cowboys on the range and in the desert “make-do” for toilet paper in an emergency. It’s hilarious, as all of Bax’s stuff is. I obviously can’t send his TP video to you, but if you get a chance, don’t miss seeing it.


CV bumper sticker: “Experts say rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite and wards off the coronavirus. Apparently, you can’t do it outside the coffee shop outdoor walk-up window … and now the cops are here.”


Speaking of walk-up windows, yesterday I stopped at my favorite spirits shop to buy some “medicinal wine.” The store has a newly-installed customer walk-up window. After I paid, the clerk handed my wine through the window. Easiest medicine I’ve ever bought. And, probably the safest.

And, here are my words of wisdom for the week.

No matter how nice the hand soap smells, never walk out of the restroom smelling your fingers. Have a good ‘un. ❖