Focusing in on life |

Focusing in on life

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

I’ve spent most of this week trying to bring new light and clarity into my life. Nope, I’m not looking for a new vantage-point for my beliefs — what I’ve done is have cataract surgery on my left eye.

The eye doc replaced my old cornea last Monday. I’ve been writing this column on Thursday, and so far, so good, on the “new” eye. My vision is kind of lop-sided with one eye always sort of out of focus, but I think getting my right eye done next week will bring everything back onto focus. At least I hope it does.

• • •

The National Finals Rodeo has been going on in Las Vegas, so here’s a little story that filtered down to me about a weathered old cowboy attending the rodeo. He wuz sitting on the fence close to the bull bucking chute, sipping on his favorite beverage. His eye catches movement to his left and, when he glances that way, his heart skips a beat.

He sees a cute little cowboy about 6 years old, wearing jeans, boots, chaps, and a MAGA hat, leaning out over the bucking chute — and before he could react, the little tot toppled down into the bucking chute just as a big indignant brahma bull was prepared to enter the gate.

Without so much as a second thought, the old cowboy bailed off the fence, lands in the bottom of the bucking chute, punches the bull in the nose as hard as he can, grabs the little boy and hands him up to a helpful rodeo hand. Then he leaps up, grabs the top board of the chute, and barely pulls himself to safety just before the angry bull would have crushed him.

Naturally, the little boy’s parents — seeing everything that happened right in front of them — are terrified, and after making sure their little son is unhurt, thank the old hero cowboy endlessly.

A CNN reporter was watching the whole rescue episode transpire. The reporter approaches the old hero cowboy and says, “Sir, that was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The old hero cowboy replies humbly, “Why, it was nothing, really. I figgered if I could land a good punch on that bull’s nose, he’d slow down enough that I could grab the little boy before he got trampled. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted out of instinct.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a CNN reporter and tomorrow’s news will have this story prioritized. You’ll be famous for your heroism. So, what is your name, where do you live, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The old hero cowboy replies “I’m an ex-Marine from Wyoming and a cattle rancher and I’ve voted for conservative candidates all my life.

The journalist visibly huffs and leaves.

The following morning the old cowboy turns on the TV and hears this report of his action the previous night:

“Ex-Marine Wyoming cowboy insensitively batters rodeo bull just to save future conservative voter.”

And that pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!

• • •

A farmer’s wife over time became an unbearable critic of every management decision made on the farm. It was wrong to plant grain sorghum instead of corn. It was wrong to buy a 2-year-old bull rather two yearlings.

Eventually, her husband turned his temper towards her to the point that she thinks her husband’s temper is out of control and she might possibly be in danger.

So, one day she sneaks in a personal appointment to see a family counselor. The counselor asks, “What’s the problem?

The farm wife says, “I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper when I’m critical of our farm management. He gets so mad it scares me.”

The counselor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of 100 proof whiskey straight from the bottle and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don’t swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down. It wouldn’t hurt if he could be convinced to do the same thing”

Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn. She tells the counselor, “That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the whiskey. I swished and swished. And he did the same. It didn’t take long until we both calmed down. But, I have a question: how does swishing strong whiskey in our mouths do that?

The counselor said, “The whiskey does nothing. It’s the keeping your mouths shut that solved your problems.”

• • •

If you think the earth is static with no new life forms, think again. I read that scientists the world over discovered 71 new animal and plant species last year. They include: 17 fish, 15 geckos, eight flowering plants, six sea slugs, five arachnids, four eels, three ants, three skinks, two skates, two wasps, two mosses, two corals and two lizards. They were discovered across five continents and in three oceans.

My words of wishful thinking for the week. Wish they’d discovered new kinds of farm and ranch animals that are always profitable to raise. Have a good ‘un. ❖


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Milo Yield

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