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Goodbye May

I’m glad May is in my rearview mirror. Looking back at May, 2021, I can honestly say that I can’t think of a another May that had such long and dreary stretch of damp, cool weather. The last three days of May had morning low temperatures of 49 degrees. The sun barely showed its face all month. Clouds, rain, and drizzle predominated.

It wuz bad weather for about everything — gardening, fishing, golf, and even baseball on TV. The first few days of June weren’t much better, but the mid-range forecast is for things to dry out a bit. I sure hope so.

***



I’ve made it no secret that I occasionally enjoy relaxing drinks with alcohol content. My two favorites are good bourbon and good scotch.

Which brings me to this story: A grizzled old rancher goes to the bar at a cattlemen’s convention and orders a bourbon with two drops of water. As the bartender gives him the drink, the rancher says, “I’m celebrating my 85th birthday today.”



The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me. “

As the old geezer finishes his drink, a young rancher sitting to his right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too. Eighty-five is getting up there. Congrats.”

The old rancher says, “Thank you, kind folks. I want a bourbon with only two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender.

As he finishes that drink, a fellow to his right in a pin-striped bizness suit pipes up, “I would like to buy you one, too, and help you celebrate.”

The old rancher says, “Thank you, kind sir. Make it another bourbon with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says. But, as he gives the geezer his drink, he says, “Sir, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the bourbon with only two DROPS of water?”

The old feller replies, “Well, sonny, it’s like this. When you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

***

Folks, it’s been so rainy for the past month that the crop fields and hay fields are a soggy, muddy mess — perfect for getting your tractor bogged down and stuck.

When that happens, now you face a real dilemma. Do you call your wife on her cell phone and request that she help you get your tractor out of the muck and mire? That’s not an attractive choice because you know it will end in a big argument and, perhaps, even damage to equipment, or to the marriage itself.

Or, do you call your neighbor to bring his tractor and chains to the mucky mess and try to pull you out? That’s not an appealing choice either because (1) it’s personally embarrassing, and (2) because you know he will immediately drive to town and spread the news about you getting stuck.

Well, you’ll be happy to know that you have a third alternative that could have alleviated the nasty situation before it happened. You could have, and should have, been driving Milo Yield’s patented and perfected “Expand-o-Wheel Tractor.”

For the same price as other tractors, my Expand-o-Wheel tractor offers this amazing benefit — you can push a button on the control panel and eight hydraulic “walking spokes,” plus two for the front end, emerge from their hiding place — out to a height of 2 feet — and you can easily “walk” your stuck tractor out of the swamp to higher and drier ground. No fuss. No mess. No embarrassment.

In case you’re having trouble visualizing such an innovative engineering feat, below are drawings of my tractor — with expanded wheels and at its average farming stage.

EXPAND-o-WHEEL TRACTOR

***

Sadly, I lost one of my best young friends last week — an Iowan by choice and an Oklahoman by birth and heritage. RIP, good friend.


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