Damphewmore Acres Kan.
It’s clear to any column reader that I take delight in describing in detail any foible, unfortunate minor-league accident, or just plain dumb thing that anyone of my acquaintance does that I deem as funny.
Just to be totally fair, I must be equally willing to share with readers the accidents and dumb things that I do or that happen to me. Last week, one of those “happen to me” things happened.
And, it happened right on our south-facing porch. One evening I came in from bush-hogging some weed patches into oblivion and noticed that ol’ Nevah was sitting in her favorite chair on the porch reading a book. I decided to join her.
So, I fetched myself a tall glass of iced tea and plunked my fat-belly and skinny butt down into the porch swing that I’ve been sitting in for 15 years.
I took a couple of hard swings to stir up a little breeze when all of a sudden “blam, bang, crash, klunk.” The eye-bolt fastening the left end of the porch swing gave up the ghost and came loose — plopping my entire old, fat body down 2-feet to the concrete.
The stop was sudden, but the worst thing wuz that I was dangling to my left and tilted backward and my left wrist and forearm wuz pinned beneath the metal arm of the porch swing.
Brothers and sisters, I wuz pinned, immobilized to the concrete and as helpless as a turtle upended on its shell. All I could do was flail my right arm and both legs and yell for ol’ Nevah to grab my right arm and extricate me from my predicament before my left arm broke.
Well, after a couple of futile “heave-hos,” she got me uprighted sufficiently that I could get my left arm out from being pinned to the concrete. Regaining my feet, I wuz happy when I realized my arm wuzn’t broken. But, I knew I wuz gonna carry a big bruise on my wrist for quite awhile.
So, this week when any friend asks me what happened to my arm, I truthfully reply, “I fell from the sky.”
A good friend in Richland, Wash., “Larry, The Radar Guy,” took pity on me and sent me some valuable column material about how all of us oldsters who grew up on farms and rural communities in the 1950s and 60s were “home schooled.” As you read through the list, I’ll bet you were similarly home schooled, too. However, I didn’t realize I wuz until I read this list of 25:
1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My father taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, just in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My father taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. ”Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
All the above are pretty wise words. But I’ll add a few more to end this week: I was thinking: If Liberals don’t believe in biological gender, then why do they march for women’s rights? Have a good ‘un. ❖