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Humor amongst the horrible

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Well, something really important happened within the extended Yield family last week — beyond surviving the CV crisis, that is.

We got news. We happily welcomed into this old world a new great-grandson. He weighed 7 pounds 4 ounces and was 21 inches long — a healthy, good-sized baby. Mom, dad and newborn are doing fine.

Welcome to “Coronaville,” great-grandson. Who knows, you might be a year old before I can travel to see you.

•••

I am in no way making light of the seriousness of the CV pandemic. What it’s doing to human lives is horrible. What it’s doing to our economy is deplorable.

However, to me it’s pretty obvious that many Americans are making good use of their social distancing and self-isolation to come up with what I’ll call “creative humor” about the pandemic. Here are some examples:

• Fancy Easter hats are out. Fancy Easter face masks are “in.”

• Sign: Being a bartender after all this is going to be super annoying. Everyone’s at home pouring themselves quadruples. So, they’re gonna be saying, “Can’t taste the alcohol. I know what this drink should taste like.”

• Bumper Snicker: “Invest in the world’s hottest new currency: Buttcoin!” (toilet paper rolls)

• Picture caption: I’ve washed my hands so much I found the inked answers to my 7th grade history test.”

• E-mail: “Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home and will send up instructions on what to do.”

• Store Notice: Due to panic buying, Walmart has opened register #3.

• Store Sign: Nail Salon = Closed. Lash Salon = Closed. Hair Salon = Closed. Folks, it’s about to get ugly out there!

• Sign: People teaching their own kids are learning a lesson of their own: Your kids’ teachers weren’t lying.

• Bumper Snicker: Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly. Next week: Turn signals.

• Picture: A new casino slot machine — three cherries jackpot of toilet paper.

• Cartoon: Guy on deserted island hides behind a solitary palm tree as a vacation cruise ship approaches.

• New saying: “Half of us are going to come out of quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.”

• New saying: “I used to spin that roll of toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.”

• New saying: “I need to social distance myself from my fridge.”

• Decision to make: Where to go for Easter? Living room? Basement?

• Homeschooling: Two students suspended for fighting. One teacher fired for drinking on the job.

• Bumper Snicker: “No one expected we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.”

• Homeschooling Day Five: Had to evacuate the building. Some little monster called in a bomb threat.

• Homeschooling Day Six: My kid just said, “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year.” I’m offended.

• Cartoon: “I’m so excited. Time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

• Quote: “I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my vacation trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingrooma.”

• Classified Ad: “Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.”

• Bumper Snicker: Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

• Bumper Snicker: It’s like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

• Bumper Snicker: Because of Quarantine. Dogs rejoicing. Cats suicidal.

• Fisherman to Fisherman cartoon: “Don’t know why your worried about catching the coronavirus, ol’ buddy. You never catch anything.”

• Cartoon, hubby to wife: “The truth is, it’s not so boring at home. I find it interesting that one bag of rice has 7,456 grains and another has 7,489.

• Bumper Snicker: We are about three weeks from finding out everyone’s natural hair color.

• TV announcement: “Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to 275 rolls of Angel Soft toilet paper.”

• Bumper Snicker: When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

•••

Sad CV story about a farmer and his wife:

Farmer: “We are 10 days into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room bay window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks. It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even considered letting her in — but rules are rules.”

•••

Words of Wisdom for the Week: Be thankful for the finer things of life that spring brings — flowers, birds, green grass, sun, warmth. Even those beautiful yellow dandelions and purple henbit. Have a good ‘un. ❖


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