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New COVID-19 test

Laugh Tracks in the Dust
Milo Yield
Damphewmore Acres, Kan.

Any new medical breakthrough in the COVID-19 pandemic is good news. And, I’m proud to be the first to announce another major advancement in the accurate diagnosis of CV cases.

It’s been known for quite some time that two of the most common symptoms of CV cases are the losses of the senses of smell and taste.

Well, let me be the first to tell you about a new accurate CV test, and it’s been strongly approved and endorsed by an internationally known group of doctors from Tennessee and Kentucky and overseas.

The CV test will allow healthy adults over the age of 21 to test themselves for coronavirus infection. The test consists of purchasing a large bottle of Tennessee Sipping Whiskey, a similar bottle of Kentucky Bourbon, or a similar bottle of Scotch whiskey. Then, open the bottle and take a sniff. If you can smell the contents, it’s 90 percent proof that you are CV free. However, to be 100 percent proof that you are CV free, pour yourself a jigger of the bottle contents and take a sip. If you can taste the sip, you are absolutely free of the virus and free to finish the jigger.

Prominent Kentucky names among the group of doctors endorsing this CV test are: Jim Beam, J. W. Gant, I. W. Harper, W. Turkey, Basil Hayden, Maker Mark, O. Forester, Woodford Res, Elija Crait, Evan Williams, J.T.S. Brown, O. Fitzgerald, Johnny Drum, Noah Mill, Ezra Brooks, O. Barton, George T. Stagg, Rip. V. Winkle, W. L. Weller, and George Moon.

Prominent Tennessee names of endorsees include: Jack Daniels, George Dickel, Benjamin Prichard, Tom Moore, Thomas H. Handy, Collier McKeel, H. Clark, Nelson Greenbriar, and “Doc” Collier.

Prominent names from the overseas are Johnny Walker, Ben Nevis, Ben Wyvis, Blair Athol, Glen Albyn, Glen Adverson, Glen Elgin, Lock Lomond, Mac Duff, Alex Ferguson, Bullock Lade, Cutty Sark, Dan Macfarlane, Peter Dawson, Duncan Taylor. and Hankey Bannister.

It’s a southern comfort to me to know such a group of prominent doctors has developed this fool-proof CV test.

•••

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I am not very mechanical minded. I’m not handy with my hands. I can’t put a motor in a car or pickup. I can hammer a nail without bending it. I can’t replace oil without spilling it. You get the picture.

That’s why I’m glad to report that I have finally found something mechanical that I can do easily and well.

I’ve discovered that I am really proficient at putting an old rear end in an old reclining rocking chair.

•••

I’ve got more chicken flock news to report. Since the raccoons reduced my number of hens with chicks from three to two, I’ve been waiting for the remaining chicks to grow enuf that I can move both hens and chicks into the big hen house.

Then, one evening this week the two hens clearly didn’t want to go to roost for the night in the brooder house where the chicks were hatched. And, they were more than ready to head down into the main hen house. It took little effort.

Well, the next morning, I discovered why. I’d decided to clean out the brooder house and purchase some new pullet chicks at a discounted price at the local farm supply store. While I wuz putting fresh water and feed into the brooder house and adjusting the heat lamps, I happened to glance up into a corner of the house.

Whoa! I found myself face to face with a huge old black snake and I could see a big bump in his middle. I instantly knew why the hens had refused to enter the brooder house the evening before. The black snake had obviously killed and swallowed whole a 3-week old chick.

A hoe and a corn knife quickly put the marauding reptile into a warm, cozy place in my ever-growing compost pile.

Then I went to town and happily discovered that the price on the pullet chicks I wanted had been reduced to $1 each. They were originally $3.99 each. So, I bought 10 California White chicks, 10 Isa Brown chicks, and five Dominique chicks. They are happily settling into their new snake-free abode.

•••

We’ve had right at 5 inches of welcome rain in the past 10 days and every drop of it came soft and gentle — perfect for the area’s soybeans and for my garden.

I’m in gardening nirvana now because the tomatoes are coming on strong and I’m savoring bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwiches almost every day. Plus, I plop ripe red and yellow cherry tomatoes into my mouth straight off the vine when I’m in the garden every day.

I finished digging my spuds and pulled all the onions. We’re still canning a few jars of green beans. The peppers are maturing and we ate fresh stuffed peppers once this week. I pulled a couple dozen ears of sweet corn that I saved from the rampaging raccoons. The carrots are lush and ready to eat.

The dry bean vines have grown to the tip-top of their trellises and the sweet potato vines are already growing through the fence I have around them. The okra is blooming and I’ll soon be giving away okra. I’m gonna plant fall green beans and radishes as soon as I don’t have to slog through the mud in the garden.

•••

Words of wisdom for the week: When you lose your children in the house, turn off the wi-fi. They’ll come out immediately. Have a good ‘un. ❖


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