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Odds and ends

My desk has been accumulating and collecting odds and ends of stories and sayings. I need to “clean ‘em out.” So, here’s the first.

***

A farmer, ol’ Calises N. Blisters, purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.



During his first day of work, the local rural preacher drives by and sees the farmer laboring at removing a tree stump, so he stops by and takes it on himself to bless the farmer’s work, saying, “May you and God work successfully together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A year later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher enthuses. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”



“Yes, Reverend,” says the farmer, “but you need to remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”

***

Here’s the second: A teenaged farm boy asked his father for $20 bucks.

His ever-thrifty father said, “You know, son, there are more important things in life than money?”

”Yep,” said the son, “but you have to have money to take them to the movies.”

***

Here’s the third: Hear about the farmer who walks into a bar in a podunk rural town wearing a greasy pair of overalls and carrying a set of jumper cables?

The bartender points his finger at him and says, “Hey! Don’t you start anything in here!”

***

Here’s the fourth: During the most recent gasoline crisis, a rancher was in line at his local gas station needing to fuel up his pickup. Suddenly, the car in front of him got impatient and left.

When it was his turn and he pulled up to the pump, he said to the owner, “Too bad you lost that impatient customer”

The owner said philosophically, “Oh well, you can fuel some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fuel all of the people all of the time”

***

Well, we finally got to the point in canning tomato juice, tomatoes, and salsa when ol’ Nevah said, “No more. I’m finished. I ain’t canning any more tomatoes.” We have canned more than 50 quarts and 20 pints of tomato “stuff.”

So, since I can’t can tomatoes by myself, I resorted to giving tomatoes to four different friends and neighbors. Gave away more than a bushel for sure.

I’ll still have more tomatoes to be philanthropic with in the near future. My “tomato trees” are still producing. Some of the biggest vines are more than 7 feet tall.

***

So, that’s when we switched from canning tomatoes to canning applesauce and pear sauce from the fruit we recently picked from our trees. The electrical “squeezer and juicer” that I bought last year made quick work of the fruit. It takes just minutes to do what used to take a lot longer with the old hand-cranked juicer.

Plus, Nevah made a delicious apple crisp dessert, and followed that up with a new fried apples and cinnamon recipe. I think she has an apple pie in the oven for supper tonight. Yum. Glad the red apples will be ready soon.

***

Finally got my fall radishes and turnips planted in the garden’s raised beds. I planted lettuce in one bed, too, but I’m pretty sure it will get frosted before it’s ready to eat. Same way with the green beans I planted in one of the garden plots. I just used up all the green bean seed that would have been outdated next spring.

Only things left to pick in the garden are the tomatoes, okra, peppers, and the bed of carrots.

***

My only dove hunt so far this season wuz a big zero for me. There weren’t many doves flying in the corn silage field we hunted, but I got five shots and zero doves. Need I say that my reaction time and my aiming ain’t what they used to be.

However, the other two hunters in the party got three doves. Perhaps, the dove hunting will pick up when the fall harvest gets into full swing.

***

Here are my words of wisdom for the week: The law of gravity says, “No fair jumping up without coming back down.”

Health food is any food eaten before its expiration date.

And, what this country needs is a car that can’t travel any faster than it’s driver can think.

Have a good ‘un.


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