The potpourri column
Laugh Tracks in the Dust, Damphewmore Acres, Kan.
Well, it’s the end of the year. Start getting ready for summer. The days are getting longer. However, that may be premature advice because my ol’ pappy always said, “When the days begin to lengthen, the cold begins to strengthen.” I think that’ll be true again because it’s supposed to hit a high of 60 degrees today (Dec. 22) and the forecast is for a big chill on Christmas Day
Since it’s the final column of the year, it’ll be a kind of potpourri kind of column — a little of everything.
Ol’ Dee Moted from Missouri wrote: “I want to thank you for your weekly column. I have read it for around 40 years and look forward to reading it each week. The funny stories and jokes have given me a lot of laughs! The other day I saw a commercial about sandwiches that they said were made from plants. But they didn’t say what kind of plants they were made from. My guess is the pork sandwich is made from pig weed, the chicken sandwich from chick weed and the beef sandwich from cow peas.”
I think ol’ Dee is bucking for a chance to write his own humor column. But, he forgot that a rooster sandwich is made from cocklebur and a sunny-side-up faux-egg sandwich is made from sunflowers.
The local small rural town bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time: weightlifters, longshoremen, burly cowboys, football players, etc., but nobody could collect the prize money.
One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter died down, the bartender said, “OK”, grabbed the lemon and squeezed from it every drop of juice that he could. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the little man clenched his little fist around the lemon — and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender, in disbelief, paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living that makes you so strong?”
The little fellow quietly replied: “I work for the Internal Revenue Service.”
I can now rest easy — assured that my brain is not impaired. Science has proven that a diet that includes cheeses of all kinds and good red wine contribute to better cognitive health as you age. Researchers say this is the first large-scale report which finds that specific foods can help fight brain diseases.
The study examined health records for nearly 1,800 adults between 46 and 77 years-old in the United Kingdom. The results reveal a surprising diet that may form an unlikely defense against cognitive decline later in life. Researchers discovered cheeses provide the most protection against age-related cognitive issues. Its impact is significantly greater than any other food in the report. The study also finds consuming alcohol daily, particularly red wine, can improve cognitive function as you age. Researchers said eating lamb weekly can increase mental prowess over the long haul.
So, I’m home free. I eat cheeses and never miss a glass of red wine daily. And, it’s so easy for me — and tasty. All I need now is some good lamb regularly.
I about got ran over in my pickup truck by a monster buck whitetail deer last week. It wuz the middle of a warm sunny afternoon and I wuz driving a gravel road to Strong City to buy chicken feed. The monster buck wuz running pell-mell-to-hell south and on a collision course with me.
I arrived in the road right in front of him and he slammed on his brakes like the best of cutting horses. If he’d jumped the fence, he couldn’t have missed me. My guess wuz some hunter had spooked him and he wuz running for cover in the pasture south of the road. All I can say is that buck wuz one for the record book.
As for me, as expected, my feeble attempt at deer hunting wuz to no avail. I got nuthin’ but cold.
Two more country music icons failed to make it to the new year. Hall of Famer Charlie Pride and former female vocalist of the year KT Oslin both fell victim to Covid. Charlie wuz in his 80s and KT wuz 78. RIP. Both great singers.
Thanks from me to the thoughtful couple from Waverly, Kan., who sent me a “hearing aid friendly” Covid mask. I ain’t lost a hearing aid since.
Words of wisdom for the end of the year: “Keeping colleges closed is far more likely to stop the spread of Socialism and Communism than it is to stop the spread of Covid.”
So, keep steering away from Covid. Vaccines are a’comin’! Let’s all hope that the new year 2021 goes better for all of us than 2020. Happy New Year to all.
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